Fade Into You Chapter 22

When I woke up, I had my arms around something soft and warm. Thinking it was my pillow, I hugged it closer to me because, lets face it, I was really fucking comfortable, and I was pretty sure I'd just had the best night's sleep of my life. When I tugged it closer however, the soft sigh it let out made my eyes open wide and I was on full alert. Looking down and realizing that it was none other than my beautiful girl, I smiled because it was real.

I kissed the top of her head then just leaned back to watch her sleep. She looked so peaceful at rest, no tension in her body or her facial features. She looked completely relaxed and at ease, as if nothing had ever gone wrong in her life.

While she continued to sleep and I watched, I did a scan of the room we were in. Last evening, we had timidly retreated to Bella's bedroom, more conducive than the sofa to a good nights sleep, she'd said. She couldn't have been more right. I noticed that the room had a little more of her in it. The sitting room was so sparse. I'd asked her about it and she told me that people didn't need to see. It wasn't their business. I nodded in understanding and then kissed the scar behind her ear for good measure. Her bedroom however, had pictures and a little bit of color in it.

Her long bureau had a mirror atop with newspaper clippings stuck in the edges and pictures of a young girl smiling, with whom I presumed were her parents. There was a rocking chair in one corner, and a desk with a laptop on it at the foot of the bed. Folded across the rocking chair was an old quilt. Though I couldn't tell from where I sat, by the way it was folded I would have bet money that it had a fair bit of sentimental value to it.

She stirred slightly in my arms and I moved my hand up and down her arm in a soothing motion. I wanted her to get as much sleep as possible since she admitted to me in her fitful slumber that she hadn't gotten much lately.

I had questions, so many questions. But I wanted things to be on her own terms. There we were, in her house, in her bed even, and she allowed me into it. Just like that. We had this strange connection, almost like a pull. I wasn't sure if she could feel it, but I sure could. It was as though I was the north end of a magnet and she the south. We connected in a way that was nearly impossible to pull apart.

We had touched briefly on the subject of her needing help with her disorders. I found that, not only were they not as bad in real life, but she knew she needed help. She was aware that she couldn't do it alone. As I had already told her of everything that happened while I was in a coma, she was aware of what had transpired, and we both agreed that it wasn't much of a threat to her now. I told her I wouldn't let it become a problem, and she believed me.

She put so much faith in me that it scared me. What if I fucked it up? I don't think I could live without her a second time. She was so trusting of me, of us even. I would do anything in my power to make sure that I did right by her, always.

She stirred and looked up at me with sleepy eyes and I smiled and moved some hair out of her face.

"Hey you," I whispered. "Have a good sleep?"

"Mmmmmhmmm," she sighed as she sat up. I moved to kiss her, just on the cheek, and she moved away quickly which surprised me. I furrowed my brows at her and she smiled shyly. "I need to um, use the bathroom," she said and I understood. She was up and out of the bed in no time. I stayed where I was, allowing her to do her thing and waited for her to return. Once she did, I opened my arms to her again, and she settled in eagerly.

"When do I get to meet Jasper and Rosalie?" I asked her causing her to laugh. Such a gorgeous sound. I vowed to make her laugh at least once a day for as long as she would let me.

"When they come back from vacation, I guess. They would want to meet my umm…you, as soon as possible." She blushed and I couldn't figure out why. I ran my hand down her arm and went in for the kiss she denied me before, this time a small one on the lips. It was a short soft kiss, but it was enough.

"Your what, Bella?" I questioned her quietly as I placed one hand her neck and another on her jaw.

She lay there, contemplating for what felt like forever before it finally dawned on me what she meant before. She was probably confused. She wasn't sure what to label me as.

"What are we?" she asked and my suspicions were confirmed.

"What do you want us to be?" I asked her.

"Ummmm…" she blushed and looked away, finding her fingers that were playing with the comforter quite interesting. I pulled her chin up for her eyes to meet mine.

"I know what I want, Bella, but I need to know how you feel about it. I know we're a little backwards," I said and we both smiled. "I'd say I want you to be my girlfriend, but I don't think that's enough," I murmured. I kissed the corner of her mouth and she smiled. "But there aren't words for what I think of you as, so I would like to go with girlfriend, if you'd be okay with it. Would you like to be my girlfriend, Isabella Swan?" I whispered to her, staring intently into her eyes and she nodded, slightly dazed.

"I think I'd like that very much, Edward Cullen," she said and kissed me back for a moment. We pulled away and I couldn't stop the shit-eating grin on my face. She nestled back into her spot and I wound both arms around her.

"You want to meet the family tomorrow?" she paled as I kissed her again. "They'll love you, I promise." She relaxed a little bit and settled back down.

"I feel like I already know them," she said quietly.

"Did you dream about them too?" I asked her.

"Not really. There were other people sometimes, but I couldn't see their faces. I could see yours though. All the time."

"Well, I want you to know everything about me. As much as I want to know about you, so this is a good place to start."

"Okay," she said. "Edward, I like waking up with you." She whispered and I knew exactly how she felt.

"I like waking up with you too."





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Do I look okay?"

"Bella, It's just my family. You could wear a potato sack and they'd be happy…well, maybe not Alice, but you get the point." I told her before kissing her on the cheek.

We walked up the steps slowly and she squeezed my hand tight. I was surprised that it actually hurt a little bit, but I couldn't bring myself to care. We stopped in front of the door and she turned to me with apprehension. I took her hand in mine and brought the other up to her cheek, reminding her to breathe. I already knew that this would go well. They were there. They had known longer than she did that I loved her.

"Sweetheart, honestly. Just breathe. Everything is going to be perfect, okay?" I looked deep into her eyes so she could see the truth in them and she nodded. She shook her head as she looked away and muttered something about being stupid. "You're not stupid. Please don't say that. Look at me Bella." I actually had to wait a minute before I turned her face to mine. "It's totally normal. This is so weird, but trust me. They know you too. Remember how I told you they loved you? Well…they've been waiting to meet you. Just relax." She took a deep breath and nodded.

"I can do this,"She told me and I smiled at her.

"I know you can. I'll be right here."

I opened the door and called out once we were inside. Esme came out of the kitchen, wiping her hands on a towel. Her eyes lit up like Christmas when she saw the girl at my side.

"Are you our Bella?" she asked.

My heart swelled with pride. My aunt had called her 'our Bella'. She was already accepted and I hoped that she heard the same thing I did in those two words.

Bella looked up at me with hesitation in her eyes and I encouraged her with a light brush of my fingertips across her cheek.

"Yep, the one and only," I told my aunt as she came towards us, enveloping us both in a hug that rivaled wrestling moves. Leaning back, she took Bella's face between her palms and said, "Let me look at you."

That made my pretty girl self conscious, but I held her hand tightly in mine, letting her know I was there.

"You really are as beautiful as he said you were. We've been waiting to meet you, you know?"

"Thank you," Bella squeaked out as I pulled her into my side. God, finally feeling her in that 'Bella Spot' was unimaginable. It was just so right.

"So, where is everyone else?"

"Your uncle is up in his office, tying up some loose ends and the kids are down in the Rec Room. Want something to drink? Hungry maybe? Dinner won't be ready for another couple of hours."

I looked down at Bella, not wanting to answer for her. She simply shook her head no, and stared in awe at the woman who stood before her. I got it in that moment. Meeting my family was going to be huge for her. She had never had people just accept her for who she was. Not once had she ever just been a part of the group, or the family, so to speak. She was about to have her mind blown.

"No, I think we'll just go see the 'kids'" I joked with my aunt. She laughed with us and I couldn't help the surge of happiness at the sound of giggling from my side. Perhaps it wouldn't be so hard to loosen her up here.

On our way down to the Rec Room, I pointed out various others along the way. She nodded in all the right places and quietly asked me questions about artwork or knick knacks, eagerly soaking up any information about us that she could.

"So, I've told you about my siblings," I said as she nodded. "Emmett's a big guy, but trust me, he's really just a great big version of Elmo, without the squeaky voice…and he isn't red. I guess he doesn't really like being tickled either," I said thoughtfully. "Well, you get my drift. He's a big softie. Maybe too soft. If he picks you up and swings you around, just kick him if he squeezes too hard. Oh and say 'Uncle'. It's the only thing that makes him stop." I looked at Bella and her eyes were wide…with fear I think. Backtrack, Cullen. "Okay. Maybe like a teddy bear?" I suggested and she laughed.

"You're really weird sometimes," she told me after a moment looking to me thoughtfully.

"That's because pretty girls make me nervous," I said before kissing her on the nose.

"Oh, is Alice pretty?" she asked causing me to roll my eyes.

"She is, but not as pretty as this other girl I know. More annoying too."

As if on cue, the door to the rec room opened, and my own personal tiny teletubby stood before us with a megawatt grin ear to ear, looking simple as all hell. Jesus did I ever love my sister.

"Bella! So I know that I only get to be your second best friend, but I'm okay with that. Has Edward been good to you? What am I saying? Of course he's been good to you! He loves you. Did he show you around? Oh my God there's so much to do and learn! Where do we-"

"Jesus, Alice! Give her a chance to think for a second, would ya?" She managed to get all of that out in a single breath, and while I was impressed, Bella looked as though her head would explode at any moment and I laughed.

"Sorry, this is just so exciting! We've heard so much about you," Alice said, engulfing Bella in yet another vice grip hug. Perhaps I should have mentioned to her that my family was full of huggy people.

"I've heard a lot about you too," she told my sister. "I'm excited but umm, geez Alice. You're pretty strong!" she squeaked out.

Alice let go immediately and answered the glare I gave her with a sheepish look.

"Let's go to the family room. We can all get to know each other there," I told them both. I noticed that Emmett was holding back and staying out of the conversations and it confused the shit out of me. I raised an eyebrow at him and he just shook his head. Alice joyfully took Bella by the hand towards the family room, and I hung back to find out what the deal was. He watched them go, and I watched him.

"What the fuck, Emmett?" I asked once we were in the clear. "This isn't you at all."

"Dude, I saw it. I saw the way you looked at her. I didn't want to fuck that up by being me," he said mournfully as he put his fist up to pound which I refused to acknowledge. No way was I about to allow people to go changing their personalities for us.

"Emmett," I said as he dropped his arm in defeat. "Did you see what Alice just did? Don't change who you are, man. The Bella I knew before, she loved you and you loved her. You would gladly kick an ass or two for her while making an ass of yourself along the way."

"That was the Bella you knew before, Bro."

"Yes, well the Bella I know now, the one that counts? She is even stronger than that Bella. She smiles more, she laughs more, and she sees a little more beauty in the world. Don't ever think for a second that you have to lose yourself because of me."

"Well, you know. I just didn't want to scare her and I know I can be a pretty over-bearing guy," I laughed because it was true and clapped him on the shoulder.

"Seriously, Em. Go meet her. I think you could be just what she needs," I told him.

He nodded and then took off for the family room while I took a moment just to breathe. I figured I would give them a couple minutes to adjust, for her to learn what she needed to before invading whatever was going on. I knew they would all love her to pieces. I wasn't worried about that. I was mostly worried about how she would take the attention she would be receiving.

As I made my way to the kitchen using the back set of stairs, I thought about how this visit would make things almost complete. It was like she was the thing that had always been missing from our family. The one thing that could finish the puzzle. It was important to me that she fit with them as much as she fit with me.

I grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge and took a good swig, then chuckled at the absurdity of my siblings. Alice was her usual self, and Em, well ,he was trying to be good for her. I shook my head and chuckled at his idiocy. Why the man thought he had to change to meet this girl I would never know. I guess they really did have quite the long lead-in to this moment. They'd been waiting since the day I woke up to meet her.

I went towards the family room when I heard laughter and stopped to lean in the doorway with a smile on my face. There sat Bella, nestled in between Alice and Esme, Emmett leaning on the back of the couch they were sitting on and looking through a photo album. I assumed they were embarrassing pictures of me as a child but I couldn't have cared less. If she was happy, I was. And good Lord was she ever happy. She was giggling and pointing and even blushing. Emmett's big voice was interjecting the usual dumb remarks and then he put his hand on her shoulder. I held my breath as he laid it there, wondering what her reaction would be. She slowly turned her head towards him and then lifted her own hand to rest upon his. Their smiles were infectious, and I could see it.

I could finally see life with this girl as a reality. Part of my family, part of our family. I locked eyes suddenly with Carlisle, who was sitting in an armchair across from the rest of them and he nodded towards them and winked at me. Approval all around and happiness to boot.

"It's nice to see you all having fun with Bella, but I'd like to steal her away for a bit if I could," I piped in, and four sets of eyes looked my way. "Just for a bit. Or has she been stolen from me already?" I smirked at them and Bella laughed.

"Come on, Edward, you get all the time with her," Alice whined, and yes I mean whined.

"Oh he'll bring her back in one piece I'm sure, little sis. You still have time to get your hands on her," Emmett said. I nodded to him in thanks and also acknowledging that I'd seen him interacting and felt much better about it.

"No funny business now, you two," Esme joked and Bella's face went beet fucking red.

"Alright," I said as I took Bella's hand and helped her off the couch. "That's enough from the peanut gallery."

"It was nice to start to get to know you all," she said turning towards the couch. "Thank you for letting me into your lives, even if it's only because he's making you," she said pointing at me, looking serious as hell.

The entire family started refuting her comments, as I knew they would and I just let out a heavy sigh beside her and leaned down to whisper in her ear.

"That was all them, love. Take it graciously or they'll make you," I chuckled and kissed her cheek.

"Sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to say that I wasn't grateful or anything," she said quietly.

"Oh we didn't take offense at that!" Alice chimed in, "We took offense to the fact that you don't seem to think much of yourself."

"Okay guys, I'm taking Bella on a tour. That should give you time to find another embarrassing photo album or two, maybe come up with a few more stories to tell about me."

Bella sunk her head into my shoulder as I brought my arm around her shoulder and led her out of the room.

"They like you," I told her and she looked up at me and grinned.

"I like them too."

"Good. I think we're all going to be spending lots of time together," I told her.

We walked up the stairs to the second floor and I showed her all of the rooms along the way. Though none of us kids lived in the house anymore, all of our rooms were still intact should the need arise for them. They were used often as well if we ever chose to stay the night when we came to visit. When we got to the end of the hallway and came to the set of stairs that led to the third floor, where my bedroom was located, I looked down at my pretty girl with a devilish grin.

"What?" she asked.

"Jump on my back," I told her and her eyes got wide. "What? It could be fun. Do you trust me?"

"You know I do," She scoffed.

"Then hop on," I said and turned so she could. "If you don't, I might just have to do it myself." She looked at me dubiously for a beat too long so I turned back around and easily threw her over my shoulder as she let out a squeal.

"Edward no! Put me down!" She yelled through her laughter as her tiny ineffectual fists beat on my back.

"I told you, Miss Swan, I just couldn't wait any longer," I said as I ran up the stairs and she held on for dear life. Once I reached the top of the stairs I sat her down and she started righting her clothes. I took a step closer and put one hand to her cheek. "You looked beautiful down there, Bella, when you were laughing with my family," I told her quietly. She put her hand on my own and looked up at me through her lashes.

"I really want them to like me," she giggled. I loved that sound. It was so fucking precious. "I saw you naked, you know."

I looked at her in shock and then realized it was probably a picture of me in the bathtub as a child or something. I shook my head at her and then opened the door to my room.

"Come on, Swan. Let's visit the last stop on the tour."

My bedroom was the only room on the third floor, along with a rarely used guest room across the way. I rested my hand on her lower back and led her in ahead of me and I stopped just inside the doorway. She continued her way in and then turned around to question with her eyes why I hadn't followed her in.

"This is my room," I told her quietly. She made to come back to me like she was invading my space and I put a hand up to stop her. "No. Go ahead. Take a look around. Everything in here is me and I want you to know all of it."

She nodded and smiled brightly at me before turning towards the dresser to see what I had on top of there. Leaning against yet another doorway, just watching her in my environment, it felt like home. She looked so natural walking around my room, to the side of my bed, picking things up and shyly asking me questions. I answered every one of them truthfully and finally went to lie on my bed with my arms behind my head. When Bella decided that she had thoroughly seen enough of my things, she came towards the bed and eyed me questioningly. I quietly laughed and pulled my left arm out from behind my head, opening up to her and she crawled into the available spot, laying her head on my chest above my heart. Closing my arm back around her, I knew it. I was home.

I was awakened by a flash sometime later and I looked up to see my aunt standing in the doorway with a camera in hand.

"You two were sleeping. It was so adorable."

I laughed and tightened my grip on the still-sleeping girl in my arms, yes arms, as in both arms had come around her in our impromptu nap.

"You be good to her. I love her like she's my own already," My aunt said and I nodded my head in understanding.

"Wouldn't have it any other way, Esme. I don't exactly plan on letting this one go," I said as Bella woke up for the second time in my arms.

Fade Into You Chapter 21

"Do you trust me enough to tell me where you live so that I can drive you home?" I asked her as I held her hand and we winded our way through the darkening forest. After watching Bella sleep for a short while, I decided it probably was time for the two of us to make our way back to Seattle. It occurred to me only then that I wasn't even sure if she lived in Seattle.

Her silence stretched for awhile and I accepted the fact that she may not trust the loony dude. It was like the first proper reaction she'd had since we finally laid real life eyes on each other.

She glanced at me and I assume saw the worry etched on my face and she looked away, once again trying to wrap her fingers around her thoughts. All of this had to be hard on her. I know, for me, it was almost too much to bear.

"It's just…I mean, I assumed you already knew where I lived," she said quietly.

Ah, so that was it. Confusion.

"Well, unless you live with a rather large Native American man who pretends he doesn't know you, I think it's safe to say that it's just something else I got wrong." Her brow furrowed and I chuckled. "You didn't honestly think that in my search for you I wouldn't have gone to every place I knew to look?" I smirked at her and she smiled back.

"Will you show me?"

"Show you what?" I asked her utterly at a loss to what she wanted.

"Will you show me the things we did and the places we were in your dreams?" she sighed and collected her thoughts again. "I just want to know…" she trailed off and I moved my hand from hers and snaked it around her waist.

"I will take you anywhere you wish to go, pretty girl. Tomorrow that is. It's late now, though. Time to get you home to bed."

Her eyes were wide and I couldn't figure out why, what I had said to make her look at me that way. Emotions were dancing across her, none staying long enough to make me understand them. Confusion, adoration, regret, pain, loss, love, and finally settling on bashful.

"What is it, Bella?"

"You called me pretty girl," she whispered. "Do you say that to placate me? Make me think I am when I know I'm not?"I felt my heart breaking for the girl and I held her just a little bit closer. "I don't live up to my name. I'm not beautiful in Italian, and I'm not graceful like a swan," her sad eyes turned downwards and I waited to see if she would say anything else before I intervened. "I wish I had been there for all of it," she said almost to herself and I stopped us both turning to her and taking her face in both of my hands.

"Bella, listen to me. I call you pretty girl because I think you're a pretty girl. I only speak the truth. Actually, I don't even think of you as a pretty girl. You're an amazing girl, a brave strong girl and a heart stoppingly gorgeous girl."I stroked her hair as she digested what I just told her. "I don't need you to love me, not yet. I just need to know you. Can you do that? For me? I like my beautiful graceful bird however way you'll come to me." I told her quietly, seriousness emanating from both of us. She nodded and pulled away.

We resumed our jaunt through the forest in relative silence. It wasn't an awkward silence, more of a 'think while you have the time to' kind of silence. When we reached the car, I opened the passenger side door for her, went around to my own side and took a deep breath before being in the small confined space with the person I once upon a time thought I knew better than myself. When I turned to look at her after buckling my belt, I was surprised to see her looking my way with a contemplative look.

"I'm not scared of you," she said matter of factly before turning to look out the window.

"I couldn't be happier," I told her bringing her right hand to my mouth to give it a sweet kiss, a promise, if you will.

We drove home to Seattle in quiet. She had confirmed that she did in fact live in Seattle, and would show me directions once we got there.

I reeled in my head over the latest turn of events. Bella existed, she was real, and I could touch her. She wasn't afraid of me, and she even dreamt of me. For some reason, I was strangely worried about the ways she was taking things so coolly. I still didn't know the real her, and I desperately wanted, no needed to.

I remembered her words from earlier about how I might not like the real her, that once my ideals of her are different, I wouldn't want her. This couldn't be farther from the truth. I dint know what this new age crap was that the universe sent my way, but I was determined to finish the puzzle. She was sent to me in my unconscious state for a reason. My biggest worry was whether or not she would want me.

"Turn left," she said, effectively breaking my train of thought.

"A right here," and my surroundings were so familiar that I began to think she really did live with the dude and they were both fucking with my head. Playing a 'lets get the crazy guy all riled up' game.

"Bella what's your house number?" I asked as I tuned into the very same apartment complex I had checked out in my bid to find her.

"Twenty-six," she said hesitantly and a laugh bubbled up from my chest and spilled out. Well there it was. Twenty six. The large Native American fellow was apparently her neighbor on the other side of where 'mind Bella's' friends lived. What the hell did this mean? Why would buddys house be the one I thought of and not hers? I was fairly certain that I had dreamt of her living in twenty eight and not twenty six.

"What's so funny?" she asked.

"Lets just say that I was a lot closer in my search for you thank I thought," she cocked her head in confusion. I pointed towards the homes. "I dreamt that you lived in twenty eight, not in twenty six, so when I went to find you and came across the buddy that lives there, you were probably tucked away safe and sound inside your house the entire time. Right next door."

She smiled sweetly at me and then looked down to inspect her woven fingers.

"Edward, this is just a little weird…and I don't want to ask you."

"You can ask me anything, Bella. Do you trust me?"

"I have no idea why, but yes I do," she said and then a smile formed on her pretty lips.

"What's on your mind, sweet girl?" I asked and grabbed her hand in my own. She gave it a light squeeze and then looked out the window and then back at me.

"I want to uhhh, test the theory?" It came out as a question and that didn't help clarification issues at all. "About sleeping," she said nearly inaudibly. My heart pounded and nearly beat the hell out of my chest. Was she asking what I thought she was asking? This didn't seem right. She should have reservations about me. She should be scared of me. Any normal person would be scared of the crazy guy. What the effing fuck?

"What theory, Bella?" I asked her knowing full well I already knew.

"Will you stay the night with me?" she asked before holding her breath and looking at me like she pitied the fact that I had to know her. "I don't really want to be alone…"

"Bella, I would be honored to spend the night with you, but only if you're sure. This is new to you, and odd as hell I'm sure. I won't try anything," I said as I smirked down at her wistful face.

"I know you wont," she breathed and then looked away releasing the lungful of air she'd been holding. "It's not fair to do that, you know?" she said.

"Do what?" Jesus she was perplexing and I loved her for it.

"Dazzle people. Its not fair and very distracting," she huffed.

"Dazzling huh? Do I dazzle you?" I asked her and unleashed on her what I hoped to be my most inviting look.

"Frequently," she breathed before shaking her head.

"Listen, oh dazzled one, I have to make a quick phone call. How about you go on in and I'll meet you in there?" she hung her head and nodded, and I wondered why she looked so deflated all of a sudden. "I'll be right there, I promise."

She took off out the car and up to her door in a flash and I pulled out my phone after I was done making sure she made it safe and secure inside the house. I checked the text messages from Alice first and they were all pretty generic, until I got to the part where she decided that she was sure I had found her. Maybe the rug rat could see the future after all. I dialed my aunts' number and waited as it rang.

"Hello?" she answered after three rings.

"Hi,"

"Oh Edward! How did everything go?" she asked and I smiled so wide the edges of my mouth may have cracked.

"Things are going lovely, Esme. Listen, I'm staying the night at her house…"

"Edward," she admonished.

"Jesus, Esme, not like that. Give me a little credit, would ya?" I rolled my eyes. "I just wanted you to know so that you knew I hadn't gone crazy and off the grid, okay?"

"Okay well…call us if you need us. Edward, you sound happy again. Tell me how it goes, alright?"

"Yes ma'am." I hung up and left the car locking it on the way with a flash of the lights and a beep. I knocked on the front door slowly with no answer to be heard.

"Bella?" I called out.

"Come in," she said.

I walked in to find her sitting in the middle of a sparsely decorated sitting room on her couch, one of only 4 pieces of furniture in the room. Her knees were up to her chest, her arms wrapped around them and I'd never seen anyone look so small before. I hurriedly took off my shoes, and ran to sit next to her.

"What's wrong?" I asked her.

"I thought you were running," she finally admitted after a long pause.

"Bella," I scoffed at her and pinched the bridge of my nose. "I'm not going to run, okay? Will you tell me about school tonight? While were here, no one else to intrude on something important?" She stilled, and I wrapped an arm around her then. "It's just, I need to understand what happened, and you left it at such a precarious spot…"

"I will. Do you want something to drink first?" I shook my head and she nodded.

She snuggled closely into my side. And I wrapped my other arm around her as well, effectively cocooning her and protecting her from well…everything, really.

"Mike Newton was an asshole," she said and it was my turn to stiffen. Mike Newton was a fucking asshole. I knew that first hand. I was in high school with the crazy mother fucker. I was pretty sure he was with 'Easy Stanley' now. Maybe they had ugly babies and bad health insurance. One could only hope.

"What did he do to you?" I murmured as I ran my hand up and down her arm sending a shiver through her. "Are you cold?" I asked. She didn't answer, but I pulled the blanket from the back of the couch over the two of us anyways, just in case.

"I'm…different, Edward. I have an IQ of one forty one, but let me assure you, that does not help you in the real world. I can remember passages from books, and I can do complex equations in my head. I can recite the alphabet backwards in two point three seconds, and I can tell you the names of every single town and city in the state of Washington. But none of that helps you in the real world, does it?" she questioned distastefully.

"I always did as I was told, and I never disobeyed. That was the smart thing to do, right? Jasper was different too. Everything of his was always neat and tidy and perfect. Sometimes when the teacher would write on the board, it would be at just the slightest angle and he would have to run up and fix it, or go crazy. We weren't normal children, so we gravitated towards each other." I tightened my grip on her and waited with bated breath. "Mike Newton knew. One day, he told me that I was a whale, a fat pig, and I should just stop eating altogether so I wouldn't be anymore. I was twelve years old, and little twelve year old me dutifully did as I was told.

"Jasper was the only one who knew and he knew it was wrong, even though he was only a child himself. I started to lose weight I didn't need to lose, and I was making myself sick. I started eating, but then felt myself gaining, and was worried that Mike would find out I ate, so I began purging," she uttered quietly. I felt a tear escape my eyes as she told me and I kissed the top of her head.

"One day, we were at school, Jasper and I hiding under the wooden playground during lunch, and he found us under there. He told everyone he saw the retard kissing the whale and it wasn't true at all. He told everyone and it was mortifying. Jasper, bless him, tried to come to my rescue. He stood up for me that day and I wish he hadn't.

"Mike Newton met us on the way home from school as we walked together, and pulled us into an alley way," I did not like the direction this story was heading in and my jaw was set straight as stone.

"Did he touch you Bella?" I felt her gulp and moved back to look at her. "Did he?" She nodded and I saw red. They were twelve years old for Christ sake.

"Not like that, well, not much. He grabbed what little I had for breasts and twisted, saying that they were fat just like me. He pulled my ugly hair and said that my downstairs was probably just as ugly and stringy as my upstairs. I didn't know what he meant then, but I do now. They beat the shit out of Jasper and then Mike spit in my face and walked away. I was left crying next to a hurt Jasper and couldn't leave him for anything. Once it was dark, I guess my father began to worry. He came looking and found us there, luckily we weren't far from the edge of the alley.

"That was when we were both pulled out of school and all of the ugly truths came out." She looked down at her hands and I silently shed some tears as she began to sob and clutched at my shirt for dear life. I let her cry into my shirt and just whispered things in her ear as she calmed down.

"Bella, you are none of those things. You are not stupid, you are not fat. You are most certainly not unattractive. I wish you could see what I can see. The view from here is beautiful," I whispered in her ear. "Do you trust me?" She nodded, so I kissed her cheek and sat us upright on the couch, leaning my back on the arm of it and bringing her to sit in front of me with her back to me. I pulled my arms around her and slowly snaked them up and over her arms.

"Do I scare you, Bella?" She shook her head, but I could detect a small hint of fear in her eyes.

"Do you want to try to have something with me?" she nodded.

"Can I show you what I love about you?" I whispered to the shell of her ear, and she melted into me.

"You can't actually know that you love me. You know nothing about me," She mumbled.

"That's not true," I told her as my right hand came up to her neck and I touched the small scar behind her left ear. "I don't know why this is here, but I know it is. That's the important thing."

"I fell off my bike when I was eight. It was from the gravel." I nodded and skimmed my hand down to her arm and stretched out her arm and turning it, before tracing the freckle on the inside of her elbow. It was bigger than all the rest. It was her calling card. "This freckle is something I would be sad to see go." I told her and smiled.

We were speaking in hushed tones, both of us too afraid to disturb the peace of the moment. My hands trailed to her sides and just under her shirt where they sat on her stomach and I could feel that she was nowhere near as small as he was the first time I met her in my dreams. She was more like the girl I last saw there. I tickled her side with my pinky and she giggled. "Your skin is perfect here. I love the feel of it."

Bella was bright red, but glowing. No one had ever told her how special she really was. I had to make her see somehow. That dick Newton popped in my head and I turned into a crip again. All ready to bust caps in asses and shit.

"Still trust me?"

"Yes," she said without thinking for even a moment.

I moved both hands up her sides over the t-shirt she wore and sighed. I was nervous about doing this, but she needed a better memory than the only one she had. "Can you look at me Bella?" I asked her and she turned her head enough to see my eyes, her back still pressing to my front. I cautiously moved my hands upward and sighed as I placed one lovingly on each breast, not sexually at all. I rubbed my thumb along the sides and bent down to whisper in her ear.

"And these are perfect, just like my gorgeous girl."

All movement stopped. I felt her heartbeat quicken and then stutter for a moment before resuming its natural beat. I kissed her neck and let my hands drop to find hers. She twisted her fingers in mine and our eyes never once disconnected.

"I was meant to find you, Bella. It's what I was put on this earth to do. So, God help me; let me make you some better memories."

She stared at me in shock and then she softened so much that she slumped into me.

"I'm still scared that you aren't real," she told me and I knew exactly how she felt. "Why do you love me?" she asked.

"I love you because you told me to stay strong. And I love you because you wrote me a letter. I love you because we dreamt about each other, and I love you because I want to."

"I want to tell you everything," she said and yawned. "I want you to know who I really am, and I want to know you. I can't say it yet because I'm scared," I nodded and kissed her cheek. "Is it weird that we're doing this so quickly?" she asked me.

"To me, it isn't even remotely quickly. You have no idea how long I've waited for you, Isabella Swan."

She looked longingly for a moment before shyly smiling up at me through those damn lashes that would be the death of me.

"I want to kiss you right now..." she trailed off and it looked like those words were treacherous on her.

"Your wish," I told her as I leaned down closer to her, "Is my command."

I moved nearer and her breathing picked up. She was nervous and rightfully so. I closed my lips and brought them to her soft ones, gently kissing away everything that was a bad memory, making this new memory better. Making it something she wanted to rehash rather than thinking about the events she just told me about. We kissed slowly for a moment, drinking each others needs in, and then pulled apart. Her eyes were closed and her cheeks were flushed. They slowly opened and she brought a finger up to touch the huge smile on her face.

I had just given my pretty girl her second first kiss.

Fade Into You Chapter 20

The feeling of Bella underneath my hands was incomparable to anything else ever. I was reluctant to let the moment end, to have it sink into her that I was insane, then watch her run from me. So instead, I held on.

I refused to let my hands roam, because let's face it-that would just be fucking weird. Instead, I rested them at the small of her back, my fingers barely making contact with her body, but knowing that she was under the T-shirt she wore. Bella, her mind, body and soul was finally in my grasp. I had literally dreamt about this moment for so long now, that it made me want to cry. And as I pulled back to look at her again and she raised one simple finger to wipe below my eye, I knew that I was.

"Will you tell me how you know?" she whispered. I nodded and led her to the seating area. Once there, I was faced with a dilemma. She didn't know the meaning to everything yet. I cast a nervous glance her way and decided on the sofa once more. God everything felt so déjà vu. The only thing was I was the one crying this time.

"Come, sit." I led her to the sofa by her hand that she willingly put in mine. I was leery of the amount of trust she was putting in me, a veritable stranger.

We sat, facing each other and I was suddenly struck dumb. Where the hell does one start in a situation such as this? 'Hey, I'm just, like a stalker, but I did it in my dreams, so it's okay right?' Or how about this one? 'Well, my subconscious was planning on asking you to marry me, but since that didn't pan out…' Yeah, still no. So where the hell was I supposed to start?

"I uh, I don't know how to begin…" I told her as she sat looking at me patiently but expectantly. I ran a hand through my hair letting out a deep sigh. I looked her dead in the beautiful brown eyes and shrugged, letting my right hand raise and then drop in resignation. "I fell in love with you in my dreams."

Figuring 'out with it' was the way to go, I tensed waiting for her to run. Run as far away from the madman as possible, yet she didn't. Instead, she sat there in all her glory and gazed at me in awe. I gazed back longingly hoping this would come across as somewhat sane. The silence stretched as we both just stared. It was comfortable, yet intense. She was digging deep, seeing what she could find in me, and I was seeing the real her. The less emaciated her. The her that was vibrant and beautiful and…real.

"Are you real?" The second the words were out of my mouth, I realized how utterly fucking ridiculous they sounded, and I scrunched my eyes closed tight, shaking my head at my own stupidity and muttering. "What I mean is…I mean, well," I scratched the back of my head as I opened my eyes to see her smiling sadly at me. "Are you?" I whispered.

"I was just wondering the same thing. Your eyes are so much greener than I remembered, and I can feel you…but then again, I could always feel you in my dreams too…do I sound crazy?" she asked.

I barked out a laugh. And I do mean a loud one. She flinched away a little bit, and I felt like a douche. But honestly, did Bella just ask the nut house monthly model if he thought she was crazy? She looked a little hurt, like maybe I actually thought she was and I stopped instantly, taking one of her small hands in my own and shaking me head no, emphasizing my point with a grin.

"Bella, no. I should be asking you that, not the other way around." God I was so nervous. This was too weird. I couldn't figure out what I could share and what I shouldn't. The confusion gave way to stupidity, and I started blurting things out. "I don't know how much you dreamed of me, but I actually dreamt a life together. Do you remember the day that you….the day you were there and you helped me?"

"I remember," she whispered. "You've been on my mind ever since. I wondered if you were okay, I wondered if you knew I was there. And when I wasn't wondering, I was dreaming. I even dreamt about a letter you wrote me…" with that she looked away sheepishly and I waited for her to continue. The next words out of her mouth shocked the shit out of me, and I'm sure it showed. "I even dreamt that you called me your pretty girl, and that you said you loved me."

"I dreamt that too, Bella," I told her, pulling her chin up to meet my eyes. "And it was all so real. You know what else I dreamt?" I asked her and she shook her head. "You also told me you loved me, though I don't expect you to take my word for it."

"How much did you dream?" she asked me. What a loaded question.

"How much?" I laughed nervously as this was what I was worried about revealing. "That car accident, Miss Isabella, left yours truly in a coma for three weeks." Her mouth dropped open in shock and I shook my head and shushed her. "It's okay. I'm okay now, see? I brought our entwined hands up to my heart to show her that it was beating just fine and that this was real and she visibly relaxed. "So the answer to your question is, I dreamt in constant succession of three weeks, but to me it was six months…"

We sat and I talked for a long time, never fully losing contact with each other. I noticed we shifted closer together and a hand touched an arm, a toe touched a leg, or a finger touched hair depending on what was being said. I told her everything. The horrors of the first time we met, the letters, meeting Jasper and Rosalie. I had questions, but I decided to let it all out instead first. I told her about how she left the hospital before I could get back there and then about how we cuddled together at night. I told her about our first date, and finally about our last date and the many revelations that were made within it.

The trepidation I felt was palpable. It was in the air all around us as neither of us spoke. I had said my peace. I couldn't take the silence so I piled a little more crazy on her plate.

"I dreamt of you even after I woke up," I gulped, "Things that kind of blew my mind actually. Can you say something so I know you're not afraid of me?" I whispered.

She looked at me shyly and back down to her now knotted together fingers. She looked like she was trying to piece things together. Maybe trying to come up with a way to tell me she never wanted anything to do with me again. Her mouth opened, and then closed, and repeated the action before she looked away.

"I feel like you know all my secrets, but they're all a little messy in your head. You don't really know me. Maybe you won't want to know me if I'm different…"

"Maybe we need to learn that for ourselves, but I assure you this happened for a reason. How much did you dream about me, Bella?" I asked her.

"I told you, every night. Every single night since that accident." She looked outside and her eyes glazed over. I looked over my shoulder trying to figure out what she was looking at but couldn't come up with anything.

"What is it?" I asked her.

"Doesn't it bother you to be here?"

"No, why? It brought me to you." I told her honestly.

"No, I mean not about that, but like, doesn't it bother you that you are only about fifty steps away from where it happened?" She said and my face paled. I had never realized that to be true before. I mean, logically I knew that this was where it had happened, but I guess I never put two and two together. But then I realized something else. It didn't matter.

"My earlier answer still stands," I told her after thinking it through. "It doesn't matter, because it brought me to you."

She tentatively leaned towards me and I was like a scared animal, waiting on her to make her move. She slowly threaded her arms underneath mine and leaned her head down on my chest, right above my heart. I brought my hands up, one rubbing her back slowly and one cupped around her head, relishing in the closeness and I adventurously placed a feather light kiss to the top of her head.

"Can I take you somewhere?" she asked.

Well that was a completely unexpected question, but I was glad that she had the courage to ask it.

"I'd go anywhere with you, Miss Swan." I grinned and she smiled shyly back, that faint twinge of a blush rushing out to her cheeks and I caressed it softly with the back of my index finger.

"Well, it's kind of far away." I nodded and she still seemed worried to continue.

"Where else am I going to go?" I asked her quietly. "You have me to your heart's content."

"Ummm, it's just outside of Forks." Her apprehension was finally making an appearance. Honestly, I told the girl that I dream stalked her, that I'd go anywhere with her, and she was worried about a little drive.

"Well, then, I am driving, because I am not a fan of that damn red truck of yours," I joked with her. Her eyes widened, but she nodded. I stood and extended my hand, and she stood taking it willingly.

"Your chariot awaits, m'lady," I said as I hooked her arm through mine and we left the Starbucks.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You sure this is the place?" I asked skeptically as I surveyed my surroundings. We were at a dead end dirt road that ended at a hiking trail. She nodded and appraised me nervously. "So a hike it is, I guess."

"It's not far," she said so quietly I almost didn't hear her. "And I usually fall a lot trying to get there, but I wanted to show you a piece of me that maybe you didn't yet know."

"Hey, look at me," I implored her. "Hey, I'm honored and trust me, I won't let you fall. I never have before."

There was another intense silence followed by a whispered out thank you from the angel sitting next to me. I told her to wait there as I went around to her side of the car to open the door for her. She took my hand and I started leading her towards the path, but she pulled on my hand and yanked me to a stop.

"I thought we were hiking…?" I said confused.

"We are, but I never said anything about a path," she replied cryptically, then led me in the other direction. I soon found myself surrounded by so much green that it made my head swim. It smelled so fresh in the foliage, but the scent of Bella was still pushing its way through to my nose. I saw light filtering through the trees up ahead, and Bella's footsteps slowed.

"So, I found this shortly after I helped you that day, and I've come here a lot since. It's uh, it isn't anything special, but I like to think here. It reminded me of you…" she looked away again.

"Don't be shy. I told you I fell in love with you and we hadn't even met when it happened. I'm the one who's fucked up here."

"Thank you for not letting me fall," she said smiling genuinely for the first time. The other ones were all timid or nervous, this one was perfectly her.

"Thank you for allowing me the chance."

She sat down in a patch of green that looked well worn and I followed suit, laying on my side and propping my head up on my hand.

"Sooo…" she started and looked at me expectantly.

"Well, you told me that I didn't have your secrets right. How shall we remedy this?" I asked.

"You can ask and I can debunk or verify the secret."

Everything we spoke here was so quiet. It was almost like it was an unwritten rule not to break the spell. I looked to my left and my breath caught. This was the meadow from my dream. The one where I had proposed and she continually denied. This was reality. It made everything that much more concrete.

"Well, the first letter I received from you in there," I said as I pointed to my head, "and the first one I received in reality, were similar but with differences. That gave me a lot of insight. Also…" I was reluctant to tell her how much of a stalker I really had been. "My uncle, Carlisle, checked out some of your family history…" she seemed shocked but composed her features quickly. "I was trying to find you," I whispered."

"I was too. I never thought you would return there. Never in a million years. I thought the dreams of us in that coffee shop were just wishful thinking." She giggled a little.

"I love that laugh, you know."

I learned that Bella became self conscious when complimented, and tucked that neatly away in the verified column.

"Jasper and Rosalie, real?"

"Yes, very real. Jasper has been my best friend for I don't even know how long. We did homeschooling together. His mother taught us. Rosalie, his sister, was always very protective," she sighed. "I never thought she liked me very much."

"Well the Rosalie I knew loved you very much and even threatened my manhood if I made any missteps, I'll have you know," The aforementioned manhood ached at the memory and I caught my grimace before it would become visible. Bella just shrugged.

"Jasper. OCD?"

"A little," she gigged. "Not to the extent that you described him as though. It was enough to make him different, and yes it was the reason he was homeschooled…that's because we were beat up in elementary school," she added quietly eyes downcast.

"What?" I raged breaking the serenity.

"It was a long time ago, Edward. I don't like to think about it. It was the same boy that told me I was fat and to stop eating…yes that actually happened. Can I not talk about this anymore?" She asked looking near tears.

I sat up and pulled her to my side stroking her hair gently. "Of course. You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to. Shall we stop then?"

"Would that…would you be angry if I wanted to? This is a lot to take in. I still don't understand…" she trailed of as she motioned between the two of us and then dropped her head to her knees that she had brought up to her chest.

"Bella no. Let's give it a rest and just enjoy that we found each other. I for one hope that we have a long time to learn…that is if you want to."

"I want to. I need to I think. I'm just confused and maybe a little scared. And I think I might l-" she cut herself short and scoffed at herself.

I knew what she wanted to say. And I wanted to say it too, but she was right. It was scary.

"You always told me that you slept best when you were with me. I wonder If that's true." I smirked down at her and she opened her mouth in shock.

"Edward did we ever…I mean did we…did I sleep with you?" She hissed. " Because I've never even kissed anyone, or anything…and I can't even imagine, was it bad?" she cringed as she said this.

"Oh Bella no. No. We never did. Well, we did once," I told her softly, "but it was a dream within the dream. I don't think we can take anything from that," I told her remembering hearing my aunt and uncle in the room as we lost our virginity to each other. "And to be honest, even then, it was beautiful." I whispered and stroked her hair. "Our thing though, our thing was cuddling all night long in one of our beds. I miss it so much actually."

She calmed down and settled down on me further and I heard that quiet sigh I knew so well.

"Tired?" I asked her.

She nodded and didn't say another word as she nuzzled her cheek to my chest and wrapped her arms around my torso. Her breathing evened out and I think I finally had a moment to breathe. Now this was what real life was meant to be.

"Edward?" she asked groggily from her perch on me.

"Yes love?"

"Is 'Easy Stanley' real?"

I chuckled and told her she was and then told her she could sleep and I would still be here when she woke up. She fell asleep and I let her lay on my chest, just so she could hear my heartbeat.

I took a second to fish my phone out of my pocket in case my aunt worried about me. I noticed some texts from Alice but decided they could wait and fired one off to Esme.

Found her. We're good. Thank you. Will call you later.

The air around us grew slightly chilly and I wrapped my arms tighter around Bella.

"I love you," I told her as she slept. "You are my life now."

Fade Into You Chapter 19

decided that if I was planning on having a chance with Bella after the outlandish letter I left her, it probably wouldn't be a good idea to wait around. Likewise, I had an inkling that if she saw me sitting in there she wouldn't make it even as far as the front door. I gave myself a week. One week, then I would go and check to see if it was at least taken.

Three days after the event that pretty much changed everything; I made the trek home to Forks to have a visit with the family. The whole family. I needed to make shit right with them before I went any further. I hadn't made a lot of headway with Esme, I just felt so bad that it hurt even more to talk to her. All she wanted to do was help, and I shit all over her garden like a little asshole. Maybe that would have been alright behavior for a twelve year old, but not a twenty-four year old man with a job and a life of his own.

When I arrived, I knocked on the door. Normally I would have walked right in, but at this point I wasn't even sure if I was welcome to do so anymore. I heard my aunt wonder who could be knocking as they weren't expecting anyone other than the kids and I hung my head and chuckled.

"Edward! What are you doing knocking?" I heard as the door opened and I sheepishly looked up at her, too scared to lift my head expecting to see only anger on her face. Instead what I saw was concern and confusion. "Sweetie, you can just come in here anytime, you know that right?" She shook her head and laughed as she held the door open for me and pulled me over for the requisite hug. I leaned down to give her a kiss on the cheek and wrapped my arms around her in apology.

"I didn't feel right about it. You know, just walking into a stranger's home," I grinned at her and she swatted my arm. "Seriously, I feel awful about all of this."

"Oh hush, Edward. Things were hard, I get it. We get it. Carlisle sure missed you something fierce," she told me as she dragged me in to the living room. "Sit, I have tea on the stove."

It all felt so familiar to me. The living room, the visit. Being here before my siblings. Too much of it was déjà vu. I looked at my aunt hesitantly as I slyly took my phone out and turned the ringer up, just in case. I was going to be prepared this time no matter what. I'd hop on a plan to fucking France if she asked me to at this point.

Esme said she understood, but I don't think she ever really got how hard it was. No one understood, apart from Alice…and Head Peeper McGee. They were the only ones I told my secrets to lately. It wasn't that I didn't trust other people; I just didn't want the looks and the questions. I mean, what a conversation starter, right? 'Hey, yeah, I'm totally talking to you but I have no fucking clue whether I'm dreaming or if this is real life.' Definitely the way to go. No one would question your sanity then. I dare you. Go out and start a conversation like that and tell me exactly how it goes. HPG gets paid a lot of money to listen to my crazy and Alice just…well, she's ten kinds of crazy herself, plus she thinks she can see the future. Enough said.

"Hola Muchachos!" Emmett yelled through the house as I heard him taking his shoes off in the entry way and making his way to where I was sitting. "Oh, who invited the straggler? I'm sorry sir, do I know you?" he said as he saw me and his eyes nearly fell out of his head. His smile was big though, so that made it alright. As long as he was happy. It was infectious and I laughed along with him as he brought his fist out for a pound before whipping me into a headlock which brought me down to my knees in front of the sofa begging for mercy.

"Emme- ow what the fuck dude?" I yelled. Dude was strong, that was for sure. I'd have to check out my steroid theories at some point.

"Say uncle. Do it. Say it asshole"

"Uncle!" I choked out and he let me drop to the ground. "Douche," I muttered under my breath.

We were both laughing and my big brother was pulling me off the floor when we were assaulted by a very tiny and very hyper Alice.

"Group hug!" She yelled out and I shook my head at our antics. Jesus had I ever missed this.

"Did I hear my name?" Carlisle joked as he and my aunt returned from the kitchen with tea and all the fixings for it. We sat down and Alice immediately curled up to my side as I brought my arm around her. She really was the best sister anybody could have.

"How are things at the book store Edward?"

I blew out a breath. Apparently we were just going to pretend I didn't ignore them all for months on end and get right down to the boring stuff. Perfect.

"Works been…well, It's been busy. It's faring well though. For a small store, it's getting relatively good business. I've been opting for some time off and letting Angela and Ben take the reins. They don't need me hanging around day in and out. Who wants their owner at their place of work everyday, you know?" I chuckled, trying to make a joke, but too many things were so uneasy for me at the moment.

I couldn't help but feel so many similarities to another time. One that didn't really happen. Things were the same, but different. For instance, we'd made it to Em and Alice showing up without me getting a text and that was a good sign. My phone sat in my lap, just in case she needed me. I mean, I wanted a text, just not of that kind.

The other thing weighing on my mind was how bad I actually felt about leaving all the work to Angela and Ben. I just found it way too hard to be there. I'd space out; they'd pick up on it and tell me to go home for the day. Said I looked like I could use a rest. I was being a bad boss and a bad friend, but I couldn't help it. I still talked to them though at least…more than can be said for how I treated my own family.

"Oh yeah, way to go bro. Takin'the lazy train. That's what I like to hear," Emmett said as he leaned back to rest his head on his folded arms behind him on the chair he was sitting in. "Nothing like some good old 'you time' to fix the old thinker" he said tapping one temple and then resuming his earlier pose.

"Shut the fuck up, douche. Its not laziness," I muttered, not really mad at him at all.

"Emmett, sweetie, leave him alone," Esme said as I noticed Carlisle eyeing me carefully. He knew I was lying, I could tell and was sure that there would be some office time involved before the evening was out. Maybe it was time to let him in anyways. There had to be some way he could help.

Alice was still curled into me and I heard her laugh.

"What's so funny little one?" I asked as I ruffled her short hair and she sat straight up to fix it before leaning back down and pulling my arm around her once again.

"Nothing, I just like having you back," she said and I smiled down at her.

"We all do," Carlisle said in a careful tone. I knew what he meant and I didn't like what he was implying.

Alice and I had become incredibly close during this whole ordeal. I had a feeling that Carlisle was judging the fact that I could go to her and not to anyone else. That would be something that I would have to bring up during our little talk. I needed him to understand why it had to be that way. We made eye contact and I told him silently what I needed to and he slightly nodded his head, just enough for only me to notice.

"Do you think she'll write back?" Alice suddenly asked and I turned beet red.

"Alice," I hissed before regaining my composure.

I hadn't told anyone else that I had found an actual letter and had replied to it. I was afraid of what they would say. Would they think I was crazier than I already thought myself to be? Would they chastise me for subjecting myself to this all over again? I really didn't know and to be honest I was scared to find out.

"A letter?" Esme asked intrigued and I groaned as I covered my face with one hand.

"Yes, a letter." I peeked between my fingers to see the opposite of what I expected. Emmett was grinning ear to ear and almost bouncing, Esme had a wistful look on her face, Carlisle looked supportive and Alice was giving me her fucking 'I told you so' look.

I explained to them what had happened and how it went. I figured that "out with it" was the way to go and it actually took longer than expected but they all sat intently listening. Emmett threw in the occasional stupid joke or comment as I knew he would, but other than that, the only thing I could hear was my own voice.

It seemed almost real saying it out loud. As I spoke, I fingered her letter which I kept in my pocket at all times. I wanted to pull it out right there and read it, but for some reason I knew that would be a bad idea. When I finished regaling them with my story, the room was stunned.

"Edward, that's just so…I mean it's fate. You know that right? I think I remember some old psychic lady saying something about the truest love connection or something. Oh what was it, Carlisle? You were there with me. Remember that lady going on about how just one touch means forever?"

While Esme went on about a psychic and Carlisle laughed I realized how much I had actually missed this. Just my family and the people I love. It showed that I really could tell them anything, and they wouldn't judge me. I could probably tell them that I wanted to live in my dream and they'd understand. I mean it was obvious that I missed it, but I actually wanted to live it with them…and her.

The room went uncomfortably silent, and I didn't know where to go next. Never one to break a silence, I just waited for someone else to.

"Do you think it's…wise to invest a lot of hope in this thing here son?"

I met Carlisle's eyes and saw what I hadn't seen before. He was only worried about me. He was concerned that this would bring me down deeper. Farther into the mess I was already in. There wasn't anything to be done now, what was done couldn't be undone now. I rubbed the back of my neck as I thought about how to put this to them.

"Look, I get that this seems insane, and to be honest, none of it even makes any sense to me. I don't understand what's happening here, but I have to know. I have… no, I need...to take this chance because I think that not knowing will tear me apart more," I paused as I thought about the rest. It was hard to put into words how I felt, and I wanted my thoughts to come out somewhat coherent at least.

"I realize that she will be different, or I assume she will be at least, and that she may think I'm a fucking whack job missing a brain cell or two-and she would be right about that. But I don't think that any of you truly understand what went on. What isstill going on. She was there and she dreamt about me too. I can't walk away from that."

They silently absorbed what I said, and I got up and slowly took the stairs to my old room, the room that now housed my piano. I sat down on the bench fingering the dusty key cover. Slowly sliding it open, all I could do was look. I imagined them downstairs discussing me and I didn't care. The only thing on my mind was the song that had been drilling itself into my head for the last…however long. I'd lost track of months, days and even hours long ago.

Slowly fingering my way across the scale, I wondered idly about what the pretty girl was doing right this moment. I wondered if she had received the letter and called authorities yet. I thought about what her reaction would be and I laughed quietly to myself.

I thought about everything we'd been through and everything that was soon to come. I thought about Jasper and Alice, about Rosalie and Emmett, but most of all I thought about her eyes. Her eyes were so brown, and so full of good.

I remembered the way she tasted and smelled. The way it lingered in my bed after a night of pure rest and on my clothes after a cuddle on the couch. How could anything that real be non-existent? I remembered the way my fingers played her like the piano I was touching. Whether it was my fingers twisted with her own or on her neck or in places a gentleman doesn't speak about, they knew every inch of her. They could sense the pumping of the blood in her veins and what she needed at any given moment. They loved her so much, and they did so because they were me. There was no way that something so good and so perfect wasn't meant to be.

"It's been ages since we heard you play." My aunt's voice startled me from the doorway and I hadn't even realized I'd been playing the song. I was so immersed in my thoughts that my hands were playing of their own accord. "That's a beautiful song. Is it new?"

I nodded and finally looked her way surprised to see Carlisle there as well, with his arms wrapped around her. "It's been in my head for awhile."

"It's lovely. I just wanted to make sure that chicken was alright with you. I haven't seen you in so long that I've forgotten what you like to eat," she snickered jokingly and I couldn't help but join in.

"Anything you'd like to make for us wayward children would be great, Esme."

She came over to me and wrapped an arm around my neck and whispered in my ear, "I'm so proud of you for not giving up. I can feel it in my bones that your day will come, baby boy." I smiled at her and hugged her back. As she exited the room, she and Carlisle shared a meaningful look and that's when I knew that the inevitable was upon us. My uncle lingered at the door as I absentmindedly trailed my fingers along the black and white ivory.

"Do you mind if I come in?" he asked. I shook my head and gestured for him to take a seat on the old bed I used to sleep in. I didn't make eye contact with him just yet, instead concentrating on the floor at my feet. "I don't know why you think I'm here, but it isn't to demean you in any way, you know."

I shot my eyes to his and I saw a look of sincerity there. He didn't want to tell me I was an idiot, or that what I was doing was wrong. His face held only concern and reassurance. The contradiction of the two emotions was not lost on me.

"First of all, I want to make sure you are actually okay. Your answers downstairs and the way you avoided answering questions directly made me wonder. Have you been seeking help, Edward?"

"I have," I told him quietly.

"It shows, I think it's getting you somewhere. You need to stop feeling distressed by the direction your emotions are taking you in. You can't blame yourself for pushing people away for a bit. Have Ben and Angela complained at all about the store?" I shook my head and he nodded in confirmation. "Do you think they would if they were upset about it?"

"Probably," I said after thinking about it for a moment. They were constantly reassuring me that they would be fine and not to worry. They wouldn't push me out like that if they weren't concerned about me would they? I mean, I'm sure I've been a handful lately, but not to the point of them wanting to get rid me, right?

"See, and we're getting along just fine. None of us are angry with you Edward. You do understand that don't you? All we want is to see you happy again. On that note, are you prepared for the worst in this situation?" My eyes widened as I took in what he said, "By that I mean, it could be different; harder, if you will. Who am I to know, though? Perhaps it'll be as easy as remembering how to ride a bike. No one can be sure."

"I'm not sure I'm entirely ready for anything right now. Carlisle, I think I need some help with all of this. From you and Esme. I can't hide it any longer. I need to tell you everything. My mind is a mess." I told him and he nodded patiently again.

"That's all I needed to hear, and we are here for you, son. Every step of the way."

We embraced in a hug and I shed a couple of silent tears and he held on sensing that I needed a moment. I cleared my throat and we separated.

"You good?" I nodded as I wiped at my face with the back of my hand. "Good, let's go see what's on in the way of sports shall we?"


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I gave it a week. I said I would give it a week and I did. So that's how I found myself standing outside the Starbucks willing myself not to throw a tantrum if the letter was still there. Esme coached me along with things ever since I told her everything, and even asked if I wanted her to come with me. I felt like a first grader off for my first day at school. Things were so ridiculously upside down. I told her no, but asked her if I could call her if I started feeling overwhelmed again. She agreed wholeheartedly and I breathed a huge sigh of relief. If anyone was a voice of reason, it was definitely Esme Cullen.

I went inside and up to the counter. The girl smiled at me and asked how she could help me, having my drink ready in record time. Turns out I was a well known patron around these parts…can't imagine why. I took it from her gratefully while leaving her a generous tip, not knowing what the outcome of this visit would be. I made my way to the chair and sat swiftly, looking out the window just in case.

I took a deep breath and took the plunge. It was the only way to do this, like ripping off a band-aid. When I encountered paper on the same side as before, I wasn't sure what to think. Upon removal of it, however, I found that it was in fact my letter and returned it to its previous spot.

I took a few deep breaths, and closed my eyes. With nothing else on my agenda for the day, I decided I would hang out at the coffee shop for awhile and read a book that I had started the day before, but I didn't want to do it in this chair. There were so many reasons for that. One, it didn't feel right, and two, if she came looking and I was here, I wasn't sure what she would do. I decided to lug myself to the other corner of the store and immerse myself in the book in one of their hard ass chairs. Once I was settled, I pulled out my phone to text my aunt.

It's still here, I'm fine. Reading a book at the coffee shop. Don't worry.

I waited for her response which was a simple 'okay' before setting the phone down on the table in front of me and picking up the book. The first few times I heard the stupid jingling at the door, I immediately raised my head to see who was entering the store, but soon realized that would drive me to drink, and I didn't mean the coffee in front of me either.

Six chapters and two coffees later, my phone buzzed on the table and I finished the page I was reading before setting it down and picking up the device. My heart jumped to my throat when I didn't recognize the number. Looking up was out of the question. Had I missed her coming in? Had she come, taken the letter and left? I wouldn't forgive myself if that's what had happened.

How do you know?-B That was all the text said on my phone and I instantly knew it was her. I knew what those words implied, exactly what she meant, and knew the answer well.

I answered her swiftly.

I've known from the first time we touched. I just need to feel it in reality. –E

I'm scared. –B

It was then I looked up from the phone, the table and my book and my breath caught in my throat. There in the chair giving me the most beautiful side view I have ever seen was my brown eyed pretty girl. She had her phone in one hand, my letter in the other and tears in her eyes, and that just wouldn't work for me.

A smile crept up my face, a genuine one for the first time in a long time as I pushed back the fear and trepidation of how this would end. It could be so great or fucking traumatizing. Packing my things, I stood and sent off a text, hopefully the last for at least a couple of hours.

Don't be scared, pretty girl. Want to have coffee with me? -E

I saw her gasp and her head slowly lifted as she scanned the shop, drifting over me before doing a double take and then staring in shock. Goddamn was she ever still so beautiful. I could see subtle differences now and everything seemed so much more defined. Her hair was a richer color than in my dreams. She wasn't quite so tiny and her eyes sparkled just a little more.

"Please, Bella? Have coffee with me?"

She simply nodded before standing, leaving everything in its spot at 'The Chair' and walking over to stand in front of me. We stood before each other for a long moment before the wall was torn down and we gravitated towards each other in a tight embrace. She stood on her tip toes as I held her, and whispered in my ear as she sobbed.

"I've dreamt about you every night."

I looked her in the eyes and removed a stray hair from in front of her eye.

"Me too," I told her.

Fade Into You Chapter 18

"Well, fuck me."

There were no other words.

"This can't be real life," I whispered to myself.

I read, and then I read again, and then I read it three more times for good measure. This wasn't counting the five times I read it before I regained my wits enough to swear about it.

I couldn't figure this out. Was I in the hospital again? Or was I merely sleeping and having another dream? What in the fuck…?

I pulled out my phone and shot off a quick text to Alice, my eyes never leaving the piece of paper in my lap. I was terrified that if I looked away from it, it would disappear, just like she had.

I need you. Can you come to Starbucks?

What I needed was confirmation that I hadn't lost it. I mean, I gathered I'd lost it long ago, but I, and everyone else around me, had spent so much time ingraining it in my head that everything concerning Bella was just a dream. It was a way for me to discern real life from dream life. How then, could this be reality?

My phone buzzed and I reluctantly tore my eyes away from the page .

Be right there. How much do we owe this time? Should I call Carlisle?
I rolled my eyes and chuckled.

Not like that. Just come. No Carlisle…yet.

She didn't respond after that and I was left to my thoughts which lulled me into in a near catatonic state. It was too much like the first letter I'd received in my dream…and that wasn't even the craziest part. That wasn't even close to the part that made my skin crawl.

She was there. The day I was run down, she was there…and she had helped me.

I was about ninety percent sure the voice I remembered was hers. I could hear Bella's voice in there now; it was just a variation of it. She was there. She had touched me. I hadn't imagined my contact with her. It was real.

My mind was spinning a million miles a minute.

She dreamt about me. In my dreams, I had called her my 'pretty girl', causing her to cry. But was that even real? I mean, was I just like, making up the things I wanted to believe again?

Fuck. My . Life.

Whether that's 'Fuck my fake life' or 'Fuck my real life', I still wasn't sure.

I sat and I waited and I read. I looked out the window and back to the page. I looked around the coffee shop and back to the page, and then began the cycle all over again. Was she watching this time, as she had the last time?

The coffee sat on the table in front of me, forgotten and cold. I looked suspiciously over to the barista and wondered if she was real. Was the coffee real? Was I fucking real?

This couldn't be good. I began questioning things. I watched as a man brought a cup to his lips and drank. He'd never once looked in my direction, which wasn't out of the ordinary but, given the circumstance, suddenly had me pondering my existence.

I sat and I waited and I read. I looked out the window and back to the page. I looked around the coffee shop, and then began the cycle again.

Alice. Where the fuck was Alice?

I scrubbed my face with my hands and up through my hair. I wanted nothing more than to just believe that this was real, but then another thought occurred to me.

How was I certain that what had happened before wasn't real, and this life, right here, was the non-realistic one? Both of them were fucked up beyond repair. Both were unrealistic to me at this point. What the fuck was the real one? What if I had actually gone into a coma after the accident with Bella, and she was somewhere beside me, talking to me, and this letter was me hearing her? That didn't make any sense. She wouldn't have told me all of that again.

Or what if I was just remembering what I knew? And in this alternate life, I didn't have a Bella yet? And I would have to find her all over again? But when I woke up, she would just be there, all beautiful and mine.

Right.

So where the fuck was I? Yes. I was waiting for Alice. Waiting. Reading. Window. Reading. Patrons. Reading.

The bell above the door jingled and I whipped my head in that direction, grateful to see Alice standing there. What caught me off guard though, was what I thought I saw behind her. I couldn't stop looking.

Alice made her way over to my chair and stood in front of me, forcing me to crane my neck to see around her rather than actually acknowledging her existence. I heard her huff and knew she had noticed.

"Some people need to be taught that color belongs in every wardrobe. Blacks and browns are not becoming," she said.

"Blacks and browns are just fine on her. Shut your trap," I muttered.

Wait.

I finally looked up at my sister and I noticed she was looking out the window behind her, at the very same thing I was focusing on the entire time.

"You can…?" I nearly gasped. "Alice, can you see her?"

"Of course I can see her," she said sarcastically. It's kind of difficult to not see all those neutral colors, no matter how small the package is that they come in. Why, Edward? What's goi…"

I didn't wait to hear the rest of what she had to say. I was up out of my chair, and past the newspaper stand quicker than anyone could see, I imagined. I made it through the door, without yanking the fucking jingly bells from their hiding spot, even though I really, really wanted to. Those things were fucking annoying.

I looked around, and came up with nothing. She was just there. Alice saw her too. I wasn't crazy.

I repeated that to myself as I looked left ,then right before breaking into a run when I noticed the brunette girl running down the sidewalk. She took an abrupt turn. By the time I made it to the corner she was lost.

So. Fucking. Close.

She was right there. It was her. There was no mistaking that. I could tell just from her eyes. I let her get away when she was so close.

I stood on that corner with my hands on my knees, panting, trying to catch my breath for I don't even know how long, before Alice came up behind me and started rubbing my shoulder.

"Was that her?"

I could only manage to nod as I stood up. I slapped my thighs with both hands and shook my head in an effort to shake off the effects of my sprint. I finally turned to her and she was looking at me sadly.

"This is a good thing, Edward. I can feel it. This means she's definitely out there. She may not know it's you, but that's fine. Give her some time."

"She knows it's me," I whispered. "She was there that day, Alice." Her eyes bugged out of her head as I led her back to the coffee shop where all of our stuff had been left strewn about.

"Bella's letter!" I exclaimed as I ran. No. It couldn't be gone. It had to be there. I dragged an exasperated and confused Alice along behind me as we rand back to the coffee shop, making the fucking jingly thing jingle…again. I swear I was going to dismantle that one day.

"Thank fuck," I yelled out, causing everyone to look at me in shock. I gave the barista and the manager a sheepish expression as I remembered promising that I would at least keep my hysterics on the down low.

"Okay, Edward. Please explain to me what the fuck is going on. I think you're giving me honest-to-God whiplash here. I can't take it anymore."

I thrust the letter in her face and told her to read it as I sunk back down into the chair, nervously bouncing my leg up and down. I tugged at chunks of my hair and twisted my hands together nervously, hoping against hope that she would read the same words that I did and not say something like,'What's so great about someone's shopping list, you idiot?'.

"Jesus…" she whispered.

"Jesus what, Alice? Tell me what you see there." She was driving me nuts. It was a whole other minute before she said anything and I knew this because I was counting.

"Edward. She was there."

Oh thank kiddie Christ that makes pancakes for breakfast.

"You have to find her," she breathed out.

"Yeah, no shit Alice," I said, rolling my eyes at her.

"So what did you need me here for?" she asked, cocking her head to the side.

This was the part I was dreading. I didn't want to admit these insecurities to anyone, especially not Alice. I sighed and brought my chin down to my chest.

"I needed to know I wasn't crazy," I mumbled out.

She cupped her hand around her ear and, again, I rolled my eyes at her. She was going to make me say it. Sometimes I really did dislike her.

"I needed validation…" I said, dragging the word out. "that I'm not a fucking nutcase. Okay? There, I said it. I couldn't tell if this was reality or not."

I actually felt ashamed of this information. I needed to be set up in a loony bin with the padding and everything.

"Edward, it's okay you know. You're doing as well as can be expected. We're all here for you."

I stood up in a rage that came out of nowhere and looked her straight in the eye.

"See, you can't say shit like that to me. That's what I was hearing you guys say when I wasn't exactly here. It makes me question everything,"

Alice looked to the floor in shame and I instantly regretted everything I'd said.

"I'm sorry, Edward."

"No, don't be sorry. I was an asshole…again."

There was a moment of awkward silence then, as we both felt like we had screwed something up, both of us knowing full well it wasn't either of our faults.

"I think I'm just going to leave her a letter and then go home for the day. I need some rest," I told her, giving her a hug.

"You don't need me to stay, do you?"

I shook my head at her and she nodded, seemingly understanding that I needed to be alone to do this.

"Call me later, okay?"

"I will. And thanks again, Al…for everything."

"No thanks needed! Just find her so I can have my best friend and the love of my life back," she said, winking at me as she turned to leave.

I chuckled and then sat back down in the chair and pulled out the notebook, the very same way as I did the first time. I fought the urge to look outside knowing that she had already been there and already seen me. No need to torture myself any further.

August 31, 2008

Dear Noticed by Someone,

You're wrong, you know. You do know me, you just don't know it yet….or perhaps you do. You're letter indicates that you have been having problems sleeping due to visions of a person. I have the same problem you know. She's brunette and has these pretty brown eyes that express so much. They tell me everything she's feeling. She's a tiny little thing, smaller than my sister, but I think that we can work on that.

In my dreams, I fall in love with this girl and we help each other through everything. I bring her flowers and hold her arm when she trips. I whisper things in her ear like how gorgeous she is and I stand up for her when she can't do it for herself. We cuddle together at night and we become each others everything.

I make her stop driving her sucky truck because I'm terrified that something will happen to her if she drives it, and I introduce her to some great new friends. We become a family, and she always rejects my proposals, but I'm okay with it because I know that one day she says yes. I haven't finished that dream yet.

This girl in my dreams is sweet and loving and adorable. She would never hurt a fly…never. One thing she does that drives me insane is that she keeps things to herself. Important things. But you don't. You told me that you needed help with something, and that's far more than your dream self did at this point in the game.

The girl in question is one Isabella Swan. Please tell me you are her. I need to know if it was you and if I might one day get to keep you in real life. I don't care that things might be different; I just know in my heart that all of this happened for a reason.

Even thought I've woken up now, that 'Isabella Vein' in my heart keeps pumping hard. Harder than anything else in my body. I don't need you to love me; not yet. I just need you in my life in whatever way I can. Be my friend its all I ask. I promise not to disappoint you.

Please Call me…or text me even. Whatever is easiest for you. I know you might be nervous and I probably just scared the shit out of you, but I'll tell you something that I've told you a million times before, even if you didn't know it.

Don't be scared, pretty girl. I'm that guy.

555-2467

Eamc1901 … That's my hotmail. Maybe even easier for you.

Forever, Edward.

(P.S. I just realized how stalkerish this will sound to you, but I promise that the first second we have together, if you'll even allow it, I will explain everything. Also, thought you might like to know that the Green eyed boy you helped that day is grateful to you for my lack of deadness.)

I had numerous second thoughts about leaving this letter - Not because I was scared of who would find it. I was more afraid that she would call the cops or something. That was precisely what I didn't need. I decided to just leave the damn thing.

My phone buzzed with a call as I was folding it, so I answered, cradling it between my ear and shoulder.

"What's up, Em?"

"Dude, are you at that coffee shop?"

What? Was I a fucking mind reader in my subconscious? This was all a little too weird for me. I chuckled before answering him.

"Shut up, Em."

Fade Into You Chapter 17

August 2

I finally found myself sitting in a dingy diner in the middle of downtown waiting for Tanya to arrive. It had been quite the ordeal to try and find her and make contact with her. Not an easy woman to get in touch with at all. But really, what had been easy in my life since I'd woken up and quite frankly, wasn't she the cause of this entire mess?

The shrink, who I had renamed Head Peeper McGee, by the way, told me it wasn't necessarily a bad idea meeting with Tanya, but that I should be careful. Perhaps have someone close by. I took his advice, and so Emmett sat in a booth on the other side of the diner…just in case. Not that I thought anything would happen, but 'apparently' I wasn't 'stable in the mind' yet.

Alright. I had to agree. I was probably the farthest thing from stable.

I still had dreams, and every time I dreamt, it was of her. Not of the bitch with the cold eyes, but of her. Of Bella. They were always new things; I never dreamed the same thing twice. Every time I closed my eyes, there she was.


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"Hey, Bella? Let's go for coffee, babe."

"Okay, let me get my coat," she told me, disappearing after a quick kiss to my cheek.

I checked in my pocket to make sure I had it. It was there. I knew exactly what I was doing. Pulling it off would be the scary part.

"Okay. Let's go. I want to stop off at that one store on the way home, the one that I saw the jacket in the window of the other day."

"Sure baby," I already bought that jacket for her. The other day we'd been out wandering around and she gushed over it in a window of a thrift store. It was all patchwork and seventies, right out of 'Almost Famous' ala Kate Hudson. My pretty girl was in love with it, so naturally, I went back to buy it on my lunch break the next day.

I was fairly certain that the coat would be the last thing on her mind after I was through with her today anyways.

We were living downtown now, so much closer to everything, so we made our way out into the mild Seattle day with my arm wrapped around her. She snuggled into 'The Bella Spot' and we made our way to the Starbucks, happy and in love.

The tinkle above the door announced our entrance and I told her to go sit in our chair as I was going to get the drinks.

"Why is there a letter there?" she asked me.

"I'm not telling. Go sit!" I told her and chuckled as she blushed when I smacked her little bum playfully.

I watched as she went and sat in the chair and tried to slyly check the sides of the chair. She came up with a piece of paper, and glanced at me. I winked at her and held up a finger motioning for her to wait for me.

"Welcome to Starbucks, what can I get for you today?" the barista asked me.

I looked away from Bella and into her eyes…for once they weren't those eyes.

"Ya…look; I called earlier asking for a couple of favors. Is the manager around?" Her eyes lit up as she took off to find her manager. It would seem that they all knew what was in store for me and my beautiful Bella today.

"Edward is it?" A woman in her mid thirties asked me, presumably the manager.

"Yes, we spoke on the phone earlier…" I gave her a meaningful look saying I didn't want to say too much, as the girl in question wasn't too far away. Looking over again, I noticed that she still hadn't opened it, thank God.

"Everything is in place, and here are your two mocha lattes." She whispered.

I thanked her for them and made my way back to the girl that I was about to make my fiancé.
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I had many dreams about asking Bella to marry me. They were all different, and she always said no, but this one never finished. I never got to know the answer to my question.

I was brought out of my musings by an unwelcome hand on the shoulder.

"Edward? I'd know those eyes anywhere." The voice said sickly sweet. I looked up and almost cried out.

Tanya.

I had no idea how to react to her, or what I even wanted to say. I simultaneously wanted to thank her for the time I had, and fucking rip her throat out for causing this mess. I needed to make her eyes stop haunting me. I needed to know if she was the voice I'd heard before I lost consciousness, even though everyone had told me that she didn't even exit her vehicle until the police had arrived.

I'd begun remembering more of that day. More sounds, more touches. Still the only vision I had were her eyes and it made me sick. I remembered something that haunted me to a completely different extreme.


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I could feel hands touching me everywhere.

People yelling to keep me still, not to touch or move me.

I could hear sirens in the distance.

I felt an almost familiar caress of my face and then a voice close to my ear.

"Stay strong. You can do this. Help is on its way."

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The voice was something I knew, but I couldn't place it for the life of me.

I now knew that it didn't belong to Tanya.

"Ms. Denali," I said as I rose to shake her hand. She extended her own and greedily took mine in, like a piranhas smelling blood. I pulled away quickly and motioned to the seat across from mine, hoping to put some distance between us.

"Please, call me Tanya,"

"Okay then, Tanya," I decided to be civil and grant her that one thing.

"So what is it you'd like to talk about? I must say, I'm surprised you tried to contact me at all."

I'm pretty sure my eyes bugged out of my head. This chick was really wondering what I wanted to talk about?

"I want to know what caused the accident. What caused my life to be turned upside down. Nothing big, really." I already knew the answer from the police, but I wanted to hear it from the horses' mouth.

I tried focusing on any other part of her, anything, but all I saw were her emotionless eyes. She didn't even care.

"The uhhhh, the sun was in my eyes,"

Lies.

"You were just all of a sudden there, and the brakes just didn't work fast enough,"

Stop lying.

"I'm really sorry. I was terrified. I got out to make sure you were alright right away,"

Too many lies.

I just stared at her in shock. Everything she had just told me was a bold faced lie. All of it. Okay, the terrified part might be right, but only because she'd been worried for her precious self.

"So you weren't texting,"

Silence.

"Or applying lip gloss?"

She looked away and bit on her lip, still silent.

"You're telling me, that you got out of your vehicle, came to check on me, to make sure I hadn't died or something?"

Silence.

"That's what I thought. Look," I could tell this meeting wasn't going to last long. I needed to get this over with and get the hell out. Coming close to losing it was mild. "You have ruined me. Do you understand that? I know the truth, you think I don't, but I do. I need you to get out of my life now. For good.

"Your cold ugly eyes were the last thing I saw and they're all I see now. Aside from the woman you made me fall in love with. The woman that is out there somewhere and I can't fucking find her. The woman that I don't even know if shell let me in in reality."

She looked at me in shock.

"I'm placing the blame on you, and I never want to see you again."

"B-but, I thought maybe you'd want to get together. I could do wonders for you," she whispered.

I froze and a chill went up my spine. I'd heard those words from her before. The same time she insinuated that Bella wasn't enough for me. She was actually hitting on me. Was this real life?

"Go fuck yourself," I told her with narrowed eyes. "Get the fuck out of my sight."

"I beg your pardon?" she said taken aback.

"I said," emphasizing the word because I knew she heard me loud and clear, "Go. Fuck. Yourself."

"That is completely uncalled for,"

"And hitting on me wasn't?" I yelled.

I noticed Emmett stand at the other side of the diner and I motioned for him to wait. I needed to finish this business.

"You can't finish what you started but you can sure as hell confuse the subject more, cant you?"

"I was just thinking, you know, we're both pretty fine looking specimens, and I mean, I'm willing to look past the fact that you're a bit of a head case since you're hot and the sex would probably be mind-blowing…"

What was mind blowing was how idiotic this girl was.

"Tanya," I said and she came a little closer expecting…what? I don't even know. "You don't even know how much you just made me want to hit a woman. And I vomited in my mouth a little just now…I hope you know."

With that, I laid a bill on the table for the drink I had before the bitch had arrived. We hadn't even been sat long enough for a server to come our way. I wasn't giving her the pleasure of a proper goodbye, or anything. I knew for a fact that if I ever saw her again, we would both regret it.

"Bro, what the fuck?" Emmett asked as he caught up with me on my way out the door.

I shook my head at him and laughed humorlessly.

"Let's just say, dreams can be pretty fucking telling things. Also, some people are just idiots. Brainless even," I told him.

"Ah well screw that. Wanna go out tonight?"

"Sure," I told him, and I actually meant it.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

August 12

"How did your meeting with the woman go?"

I scratched the back of my head as I avoided eye contact with Head Peeper McGee. Dude was a little unnerving. Our meetings were farther apart now and this was the first time wed met up since my interesting little encounter with Ms. Denali.

"It went," I simply said.

"Hmmmm," he retorted with. I rolled my eyes.

"It was…not what I was expecting. Not at all. She uh, she lied to me and then proceeded to make a pass at me," I felt my cheeks heat up in anger and embarrassment.

The fucker laughed at me and I glared at him in question.

"It's just that, maybe it would help you to move on, to see what else is out there,"

This again. It was his mantra pretty much. Move on from Bella. Move on from what I knew to be a lie. Move on from what I loved, basically.

"I can't. She's out there somewhere." I reminded myself of that daily. I felt as though I was starting to forget things about her and it scared the ever loving fuck out of me. She was someone I didn't want to forget. Never.

"She may be, but I can guarantee you that she will now be the same. Neither will the others. Keep that in mind."

He wrote a few lines on his little clipboard and I rolled my eyes.

"I'll see what I can do," I muttered, but then hastily added, "just not with her" I told him, I'm sure a look of disgust on my face.

"Understandable. Just remember what I said, it might be helpful if you explored your horizons a little bit, saw what else was out there,"

He looked at the clock then as did I. Our time was up for another day and I couldn't be happier. Nothing made me feel crazier than a session with HPM. He even had something stuck in his teeth this time around and I felt reluctant to trust a dude with spinach stuck between his front teeth. It's the only thing I could look at.

"We're getting somewhere, Edward. Don't think you're taking any steps back, because you aren't. Any blackouts or panic attacks since the coffee shop ordeal?"

Why was he still talking?

"No…nothing since."

"That's good," he said as he regarded me with inquisitive eyes. "Have you been back there?"

"No. Look, isn't this session over?"

"It is, technically. But I can't help but ponder over something. You said that you two had dated the letters in your dreams?"

His question made me stop and look at him perplexed. I was intrigued now.

"Yes…" I said as I leaned closer to him.

"Do you remember the date you received the first letter?" He asked as he tapped his pen on his desk making me increasingly more and more nervous. I still wanted to pull the green thing out of his teeth, but I wanted more than anything to know what exactly he was getting at. "Maybe you should go there on that day; it might help you get past some things."

I had nothing to say to that. I didn't think I could do it. I nodded and stood, as he did and we shook hands as we always did.

"Think about it; let me know how it goes."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

August 23

I couldn't get the stupid shrinks words out of my head. What would be so helpful about going there on the day in question? The day it all began. I mean, I knew that the dates were all skewed between my dream world and real life, but what good could come of it? Another breakdown? Totally what I needed.

"So here's what we have on one Isabella Swan," Carlisle said. "Everything I could find'"

I looked to him with rapt attention waiting for what he'd have to say.

"Her mother and step father were killed in a car accident on the highway, seems it was a truckers fault. Her father, we knew him as Chief Swan," he paused here and took a breath making me nervous. I already knew the family home was vacant, I'd checked it. "Gained custody of her at the age of twelve. It's so strange, how none of us even knew that he had a daughter, let alone that she was living here."

My mind was spinning a million miles a second. Chief Swan, I remembered being told, was killed in the line of duty seven years ago. I'd never been in school with her; none of the family knew her and didn't even know she existed. This shit did not compute.

"What about Jasper and Rosalie Hale?" I asked him.

"They are out of the country at the moment. Annual family getaway. No other information there. I'm not a private detective, son. This is all the information I could find on her. I'm sorry,"

"But you're saying she is somewhere out there, correct?"

"That is what I'm saying,"

"Then that's all I need to hear."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

August 31

I stood at the entrance to Starbucks, petrified and full of fucking fear. I felt more at ease this time. I was more nervous that maybe they had banned me from ever entering again, and I'd never get the chance at closure.

Taking a deep breath, I opened the heavy door and made my way inside, pausing briefly in the entryway next to the newspaper rack. I glanced around. There was no Bella, there was no Jasper, and there was no Rosalie.

I could do this.

The chair sat there in all its glory. A little tattered, but mended. I was eternally grateful that they hadn't needed to buy a new one for that spot and 'The Chair' could be easily repaired.

I walked towards the cashier and upon witnessing the apprehensive look in her eyes, I remembered her from the day I flipped my shit and broke down. Giving her a cautious smile, trying to ease the tension, I approached and let the breath I'd been holding leave slowly through my nose and mouth, preparing myself.

"Is your manager in miss?" I asked her politely, and she took off without an answer. I felt bad, because I knew she was frightened of me. I had put on quite a show, what I could remember of it anyways. A lot of progress had been made since then, and here I stood, not even an inkling to lash out at all.

"Can I help you sir? Oh its you!" The woman exclaimed, almost excited to see me. That was an odd reaction.

I smiled ruefully at her and extended my hand which she willingly took. "I'd like to apologize and I was wondering if I had overstepped my boundaries by returning here?"

It suddenly felt odd that I hadn't told anyone I was coming here. Not Head Peeper McGee, not Alice, not even Carlisle or Esme. I needed some incentive to stay calm. The manager looked at me in confusion, so I decided to elaborate.

"What I mean is, did you ban my ass from here for the trouble I caused?"

She laughed along with me and then shook her head.

"Of course not, sir. We heard your story, and I just couldn't even imagine. It's why we couldn't part with that chair, young man. Just," she paused and looked around quickly, if you feel the need to lose it again, perhaps you should give us a little warning," she whispered to me. "That is unless it results in a few more engagements…"

"A few more?" I asked puzzled.

"Oh yes. We've had three fellows propose in this very store since that day. It's a beautiful thing to see, that love."

I shook my head in amazement. I was stunned.

"So what will it be? Just a visit? Or would you like something to drink as well?" She asked me. The barista seemed to relax at her side and I was glad. I hated making people feel nervous.

"I'll have a Moc-"

"Mocha Latte, of course. I'll have that right away for you!"

I paid the girl at the till and waited for my coffee in a daze. I was being revered in a way rather than being viewed with disdain and disgust, both of which I deserved. I shook my head and chuckled. Sometimes real life could be as fucked up as a dream.

"Here you go sir. And I mean it, you're welcome back anytime."

"Thank you," I told her and started slowly towards 'The Chair'. I was doing this, and I refused to let my overactive brain get in the way.

I stared down at it for only a moment before turning and sitting. It still felt the same. It was still the same chair. I paused to focus on my thoughts. They seemed to be staying in check and I couldn't figure out why. Where was this leading?

I settled back into the cushion and took a deep breath. Setting my coffee down on the table in front of me, I folded my hands in my lap as they itched to move to my sides.

What harm could it do? If there was nothing there, then I could try and move on. If there was…okay, I had no idea what I was going to do if there was something there.

Slowly digging my hands down either side, I felt nothing at first. Moving my hands towards the back with my eyes clenched shut and my breath halted, my left hand encountered resistance and my eyes shot open in shock.

No. Fucking. Way.

I pulled it out quickly staring at the haphazardly folded piece of paper in my hand not knowing what to do next. I looked around me and realized that no ones eyes were on me, I was pretty much invisible, and that was all I needed at this moment. Outwardly, I was fine. On the inside though, I was flipping the fuck out.

My head jolted up and looked outside, remembering, she had been there watching me the first time, the time in my dream. I scanned but I couldn't see her.

Shit.

I unfolded it, fold by fold until it was open before me and stared in shock as I read.

Dear…Whoever happens upon this,

I don't know who you are, and I assume I never will. Actually I sort of hope we never meet as I'm about to whine away on this piece of lined paper for you to see.

You likely have already stopped reading, but I just feel the need to tell somebody, anybody really, the things that eat away at me day after day. Perhaps that will satisfy my overactive brain for a few minutes so I can at least get a few minutes of much needed sleep. I don't sleep a lot these days. And it isn't just because of my crap life, but it's also because every time I close my eyes I dream of a green eyed boy with messy hair, but that's insignificant at this point.

Now you're wondering why I don't tell my friends, my family, my significant other, or even my pet and leave you the hell alone, but that's just simply impossible.

I'm painfully shy. Even if I did have all of those aforementioned relationships (which are few and far between in my case) I would die before bringing my insecurities and problems up to the forefront for them to do with as they please. This right here is problem number one. I'm shy, insecure and plain. That's how I would describe myself. Boring and plain. Plainly boring, if you will.

I can't count on two hands (as there are far too many) the amount of missed opportunities that have breezed past me in my lifetime.

I am your average, plain, boring twenty two year old college student, who has yet to go on a date, or even kiss a boy. I don't blame it all on my inability to initiate things. That would be the coward's way out. The rest of that blame goes to the fact that I am simply uninteresting, and I assume unattractive, as I've never had the words 'you're pretty' uttered to me. That's right. Never once. I heard it in a dream once. The green eyed boy called me his 'pretty girl'. I woke up crying because it was only a dream. And now I sound pathetic.

I'd like to find love someday. I want to find that spark, that magnetic pull that suspends time and gravity. I do. It just doesn't seem to be in my cards.

I wonder if you're still reading this. If you are, I apologize. You really don't have to.

Are you in college? Because I am. It's so demanding and difficult. Even more so when you're damn near invisible. I hate to say that I envy people that have the ability to speak up, make themselves known, but I do. It doesn't matter what they say, it is definitely about whom you know not so much as WHAT you know. I've realized that when a professor is grading papers he or she will give more attention to names they know whether they are known for good or bad reasons. It's a subconscious thing. Therefore, the professor comes across my paper, sees a name that doesn't even register. He skims, gives it an average mark and moves on. This means that I have to work twice as hard as someone else, just to receive that slightly above average grade.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I'm a genius or anything. Far from it I'm sure. It still sucks.

Still reading? I know, I know. But to be fair, I did say I was going to whine. And life sucks. There's an awful lot to whine about. There's no way to sugar coat it, it just plain freaking sucks.

I know all about heartache and the fact that a truck going down the wrong lane of a highway can change everything.

Speaking of trucks, mine is a piece of shit. Honestly, some days it doesn't even run at all. Makes me feel so much better when that happens. Yeah, I just rolled my eyes as I wrote that.

Sucky truck.

When I was younger, I was anorexic. I'm not anymore…I don't think so anyways. I mean, I eat. Not hoards of food or anything, but I eat. And it isn't often that it comes back up. Actually, I think I'm lying. I may need some help for this…

It just occurred to me that I'm pretty much just randomly jotting stuff down here for you to read. No rhyme, no reason. That's how my life feels. My brain works a million miles a minute with no rhyme or reason. No reprieve either. That's kind of the point of this exercise. I'd be mortified if I was saying this out loud, or even if I had to watch you read it, right there in front of me.

But the thing is, I need to sleep. I haven't slept a full night in so long that I just might die of shock if or when it actually happens. I just can't seem to turn my brain off long enough to get a decent REM cycle on the go.

God, do those words even make sense?

Ever since the day I helped that boy that got hit by the car, he's all I can see. It's so stupid. He doesn't even know I exist.

I do believe I've taken up more than enough of your time…that is if you didn't flounce five words in. I hope I haven't ruined your day…

Tell me if you happen to find my green eyed dream boy would you?

Sincerely, Me