Fade Into You Chapter 19

decided that if I was planning on having a chance with Bella after the outlandish letter I left her, it probably wouldn't be a good idea to wait around. Likewise, I had an inkling that if she saw me sitting in there she wouldn't make it even as far as the front door. I gave myself a week. One week, then I would go and check to see if it was at least taken.

Three days after the event that pretty much changed everything; I made the trek home to Forks to have a visit with the family. The whole family. I needed to make shit right with them before I went any further. I hadn't made a lot of headway with Esme, I just felt so bad that it hurt even more to talk to her. All she wanted to do was help, and I shit all over her garden like a little asshole. Maybe that would have been alright behavior for a twelve year old, but not a twenty-four year old man with a job and a life of his own.

When I arrived, I knocked on the door. Normally I would have walked right in, but at this point I wasn't even sure if I was welcome to do so anymore. I heard my aunt wonder who could be knocking as they weren't expecting anyone other than the kids and I hung my head and chuckled.

"Edward! What are you doing knocking?" I heard as the door opened and I sheepishly looked up at her, too scared to lift my head expecting to see only anger on her face. Instead what I saw was concern and confusion. "Sweetie, you can just come in here anytime, you know that right?" She shook her head and laughed as she held the door open for me and pulled me over for the requisite hug. I leaned down to give her a kiss on the cheek and wrapped my arms around her in apology.

"I didn't feel right about it. You know, just walking into a stranger's home," I grinned at her and she swatted my arm. "Seriously, I feel awful about all of this."

"Oh hush, Edward. Things were hard, I get it. We get it. Carlisle sure missed you something fierce," she told me as she dragged me in to the living room. "Sit, I have tea on the stove."

It all felt so familiar to me. The living room, the visit. Being here before my siblings. Too much of it was déjà vu. I looked at my aunt hesitantly as I slyly took my phone out and turned the ringer up, just in case. I was going to be prepared this time no matter what. I'd hop on a plan to fucking France if she asked me to at this point.

Esme said she understood, but I don't think she ever really got how hard it was. No one understood, apart from Alice…and Head Peeper McGee. They were the only ones I told my secrets to lately. It wasn't that I didn't trust other people; I just didn't want the looks and the questions. I mean, what a conversation starter, right? 'Hey, yeah, I'm totally talking to you but I have no fucking clue whether I'm dreaming or if this is real life.' Definitely the way to go. No one would question your sanity then. I dare you. Go out and start a conversation like that and tell me exactly how it goes. HPG gets paid a lot of money to listen to my crazy and Alice just…well, she's ten kinds of crazy herself, plus she thinks she can see the future. Enough said.

"Hola Muchachos!" Emmett yelled through the house as I heard him taking his shoes off in the entry way and making his way to where I was sitting. "Oh, who invited the straggler? I'm sorry sir, do I know you?" he said as he saw me and his eyes nearly fell out of his head. His smile was big though, so that made it alright. As long as he was happy. It was infectious and I laughed along with him as he brought his fist out for a pound before whipping me into a headlock which brought me down to my knees in front of the sofa begging for mercy.

"Emme- ow what the fuck dude?" I yelled. Dude was strong, that was for sure. I'd have to check out my steroid theories at some point.

"Say uncle. Do it. Say it asshole"

"Uncle!" I choked out and he let me drop to the ground. "Douche," I muttered under my breath.

We were both laughing and my big brother was pulling me off the floor when we were assaulted by a very tiny and very hyper Alice.

"Group hug!" She yelled out and I shook my head at our antics. Jesus had I ever missed this.

"Did I hear my name?" Carlisle joked as he and my aunt returned from the kitchen with tea and all the fixings for it. We sat down and Alice immediately curled up to my side as I brought my arm around her. She really was the best sister anybody could have.

"How are things at the book store Edward?"

I blew out a breath. Apparently we were just going to pretend I didn't ignore them all for months on end and get right down to the boring stuff. Perfect.

"Works been…well, It's been busy. It's faring well though. For a small store, it's getting relatively good business. I've been opting for some time off and letting Angela and Ben take the reins. They don't need me hanging around day in and out. Who wants their owner at their place of work everyday, you know?" I chuckled, trying to make a joke, but too many things were so uneasy for me at the moment.

I couldn't help but feel so many similarities to another time. One that didn't really happen. Things were the same, but different. For instance, we'd made it to Em and Alice showing up without me getting a text and that was a good sign. My phone sat in my lap, just in case she needed me. I mean, I wanted a text, just not of that kind.

The other thing weighing on my mind was how bad I actually felt about leaving all the work to Angela and Ben. I just found it way too hard to be there. I'd space out; they'd pick up on it and tell me to go home for the day. Said I looked like I could use a rest. I was being a bad boss and a bad friend, but I couldn't help it. I still talked to them though at least…more than can be said for how I treated my own family.

"Oh yeah, way to go bro. Takin'the lazy train. That's what I like to hear," Emmett said as he leaned back to rest his head on his folded arms behind him on the chair he was sitting in. "Nothing like some good old 'you time' to fix the old thinker" he said tapping one temple and then resuming his earlier pose.

"Shut the fuck up, douche. Its not laziness," I muttered, not really mad at him at all.

"Emmett, sweetie, leave him alone," Esme said as I noticed Carlisle eyeing me carefully. He knew I was lying, I could tell and was sure that there would be some office time involved before the evening was out. Maybe it was time to let him in anyways. There had to be some way he could help.

Alice was still curled into me and I heard her laugh.

"What's so funny little one?" I asked as I ruffled her short hair and she sat straight up to fix it before leaning back down and pulling my arm around her once again.

"Nothing, I just like having you back," she said and I smiled down at her.

"We all do," Carlisle said in a careful tone. I knew what he meant and I didn't like what he was implying.

Alice and I had become incredibly close during this whole ordeal. I had a feeling that Carlisle was judging the fact that I could go to her and not to anyone else. That would be something that I would have to bring up during our little talk. I needed him to understand why it had to be that way. We made eye contact and I told him silently what I needed to and he slightly nodded his head, just enough for only me to notice.

"Do you think she'll write back?" Alice suddenly asked and I turned beet red.

"Alice," I hissed before regaining my composure.

I hadn't told anyone else that I had found an actual letter and had replied to it. I was afraid of what they would say. Would they think I was crazier than I already thought myself to be? Would they chastise me for subjecting myself to this all over again? I really didn't know and to be honest I was scared to find out.

"A letter?" Esme asked intrigued and I groaned as I covered my face with one hand.

"Yes, a letter." I peeked between my fingers to see the opposite of what I expected. Emmett was grinning ear to ear and almost bouncing, Esme had a wistful look on her face, Carlisle looked supportive and Alice was giving me her fucking 'I told you so' look.

I explained to them what had happened and how it went. I figured that "out with it" was the way to go and it actually took longer than expected but they all sat intently listening. Emmett threw in the occasional stupid joke or comment as I knew he would, but other than that, the only thing I could hear was my own voice.

It seemed almost real saying it out loud. As I spoke, I fingered her letter which I kept in my pocket at all times. I wanted to pull it out right there and read it, but for some reason I knew that would be a bad idea. When I finished regaling them with my story, the room was stunned.

"Edward, that's just so…I mean it's fate. You know that right? I think I remember some old psychic lady saying something about the truest love connection or something. Oh what was it, Carlisle? You were there with me. Remember that lady going on about how just one touch means forever?"

While Esme went on about a psychic and Carlisle laughed I realized how much I had actually missed this. Just my family and the people I love. It showed that I really could tell them anything, and they wouldn't judge me. I could probably tell them that I wanted to live in my dream and they'd understand. I mean it was obvious that I missed it, but I actually wanted to live it with them…and her.

The room went uncomfortably silent, and I didn't know where to go next. Never one to break a silence, I just waited for someone else to.

"Do you think it's…wise to invest a lot of hope in this thing here son?"

I met Carlisle's eyes and saw what I hadn't seen before. He was only worried about me. He was concerned that this would bring me down deeper. Farther into the mess I was already in. There wasn't anything to be done now, what was done couldn't be undone now. I rubbed the back of my neck as I thought about how to put this to them.

"Look, I get that this seems insane, and to be honest, none of it even makes any sense to me. I don't understand what's happening here, but I have to know. I have… no, I need...to take this chance because I think that not knowing will tear me apart more," I paused as I thought about the rest. It was hard to put into words how I felt, and I wanted my thoughts to come out somewhat coherent at least.

"I realize that she will be different, or I assume she will be at least, and that she may think I'm a fucking whack job missing a brain cell or two-and she would be right about that. But I don't think that any of you truly understand what went on. What isstill going on. She was there and she dreamt about me too. I can't walk away from that."

They silently absorbed what I said, and I got up and slowly took the stairs to my old room, the room that now housed my piano. I sat down on the bench fingering the dusty key cover. Slowly sliding it open, all I could do was look. I imagined them downstairs discussing me and I didn't care. The only thing on my mind was the song that had been drilling itself into my head for the last…however long. I'd lost track of months, days and even hours long ago.

Slowly fingering my way across the scale, I wondered idly about what the pretty girl was doing right this moment. I wondered if she had received the letter and called authorities yet. I thought about what her reaction would be and I laughed quietly to myself.

I thought about everything we'd been through and everything that was soon to come. I thought about Jasper and Alice, about Rosalie and Emmett, but most of all I thought about her eyes. Her eyes were so brown, and so full of good.

I remembered the way she tasted and smelled. The way it lingered in my bed after a night of pure rest and on my clothes after a cuddle on the couch. How could anything that real be non-existent? I remembered the way my fingers played her like the piano I was touching. Whether it was my fingers twisted with her own or on her neck or in places a gentleman doesn't speak about, they knew every inch of her. They could sense the pumping of the blood in her veins and what she needed at any given moment. They loved her so much, and they did so because they were me. There was no way that something so good and so perfect wasn't meant to be.

"It's been ages since we heard you play." My aunt's voice startled me from the doorway and I hadn't even realized I'd been playing the song. I was so immersed in my thoughts that my hands were playing of their own accord. "That's a beautiful song. Is it new?"

I nodded and finally looked her way surprised to see Carlisle there as well, with his arms wrapped around her. "It's been in my head for awhile."

"It's lovely. I just wanted to make sure that chicken was alright with you. I haven't seen you in so long that I've forgotten what you like to eat," she snickered jokingly and I couldn't help but join in.

"Anything you'd like to make for us wayward children would be great, Esme."

She came over to me and wrapped an arm around my neck and whispered in my ear, "I'm so proud of you for not giving up. I can feel it in my bones that your day will come, baby boy." I smiled at her and hugged her back. As she exited the room, she and Carlisle shared a meaningful look and that's when I knew that the inevitable was upon us. My uncle lingered at the door as I absentmindedly trailed my fingers along the black and white ivory.

"Do you mind if I come in?" he asked. I shook my head and gestured for him to take a seat on the old bed I used to sleep in. I didn't make eye contact with him just yet, instead concentrating on the floor at my feet. "I don't know why you think I'm here, but it isn't to demean you in any way, you know."

I shot my eyes to his and I saw a look of sincerity there. He didn't want to tell me I was an idiot, or that what I was doing was wrong. His face held only concern and reassurance. The contradiction of the two emotions was not lost on me.

"First of all, I want to make sure you are actually okay. Your answers downstairs and the way you avoided answering questions directly made me wonder. Have you been seeking help, Edward?"

"I have," I told him quietly.

"It shows, I think it's getting you somewhere. You need to stop feeling distressed by the direction your emotions are taking you in. You can't blame yourself for pushing people away for a bit. Have Ben and Angela complained at all about the store?" I shook my head and he nodded in confirmation. "Do you think they would if they were upset about it?"

"Probably," I said after thinking about it for a moment. They were constantly reassuring me that they would be fine and not to worry. They wouldn't push me out like that if they weren't concerned about me would they? I mean, I'm sure I've been a handful lately, but not to the point of them wanting to get rid me, right?

"See, and we're getting along just fine. None of us are angry with you Edward. You do understand that don't you? All we want is to see you happy again. On that note, are you prepared for the worst in this situation?" My eyes widened as I took in what he said, "By that I mean, it could be different; harder, if you will. Who am I to know, though? Perhaps it'll be as easy as remembering how to ride a bike. No one can be sure."

"I'm not sure I'm entirely ready for anything right now. Carlisle, I think I need some help with all of this. From you and Esme. I can't hide it any longer. I need to tell you everything. My mind is a mess." I told him and he nodded patiently again.

"That's all I needed to hear, and we are here for you, son. Every step of the way."

We embraced in a hug and I shed a couple of silent tears and he held on sensing that I needed a moment. I cleared my throat and we separated.

"You good?" I nodded as I wiped at my face with the back of my hand. "Good, let's go see what's on in the way of sports shall we?"


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I gave it a week. I said I would give it a week and I did. So that's how I found myself standing outside the Starbucks willing myself not to throw a tantrum if the letter was still there. Esme coached me along with things ever since I told her everything, and even asked if I wanted her to come with me. I felt like a first grader off for my first day at school. Things were so ridiculously upside down. I told her no, but asked her if I could call her if I started feeling overwhelmed again. She agreed wholeheartedly and I breathed a huge sigh of relief. If anyone was a voice of reason, it was definitely Esme Cullen.

I went inside and up to the counter. The girl smiled at me and asked how she could help me, having my drink ready in record time. Turns out I was a well known patron around these parts…can't imagine why. I took it from her gratefully while leaving her a generous tip, not knowing what the outcome of this visit would be. I made my way to the chair and sat swiftly, looking out the window just in case.

I took a deep breath and took the plunge. It was the only way to do this, like ripping off a band-aid. When I encountered paper on the same side as before, I wasn't sure what to think. Upon removal of it, however, I found that it was in fact my letter and returned it to its previous spot.

I took a few deep breaths, and closed my eyes. With nothing else on my agenda for the day, I decided I would hang out at the coffee shop for awhile and read a book that I had started the day before, but I didn't want to do it in this chair. There were so many reasons for that. One, it didn't feel right, and two, if she came looking and I was here, I wasn't sure what she would do. I decided to lug myself to the other corner of the store and immerse myself in the book in one of their hard ass chairs. Once I was settled, I pulled out my phone to text my aunt.

It's still here, I'm fine. Reading a book at the coffee shop. Don't worry.

I waited for her response which was a simple 'okay' before setting the phone down on the table in front of me and picking up the book. The first few times I heard the stupid jingling at the door, I immediately raised my head to see who was entering the store, but soon realized that would drive me to drink, and I didn't mean the coffee in front of me either.

Six chapters and two coffees later, my phone buzzed on the table and I finished the page I was reading before setting it down and picking up the device. My heart jumped to my throat when I didn't recognize the number. Looking up was out of the question. Had I missed her coming in? Had she come, taken the letter and left? I wouldn't forgive myself if that's what had happened.

How do you know?-B That was all the text said on my phone and I instantly knew it was her. I knew what those words implied, exactly what she meant, and knew the answer well.

I answered her swiftly.

I've known from the first time we touched. I just need to feel it in reality. –E

I'm scared. –B

It was then I looked up from the phone, the table and my book and my breath caught in my throat. There in the chair giving me the most beautiful side view I have ever seen was my brown eyed pretty girl. She had her phone in one hand, my letter in the other and tears in her eyes, and that just wouldn't work for me.

A smile crept up my face, a genuine one for the first time in a long time as I pushed back the fear and trepidation of how this would end. It could be so great or fucking traumatizing. Packing my things, I stood and sent off a text, hopefully the last for at least a couple of hours.

Don't be scared, pretty girl. Want to have coffee with me? -E

I saw her gasp and her head slowly lifted as she scanned the shop, drifting over me before doing a double take and then staring in shock. Goddamn was she ever still so beautiful. I could see subtle differences now and everything seemed so much more defined. Her hair was a richer color than in my dreams. She wasn't quite so tiny and her eyes sparkled just a little more.

"Please, Bella? Have coffee with me?"

She simply nodded before standing, leaving everything in its spot at 'The Chair' and walking over to stand in front of me. We stood before each other for a long moment before the wall was torn down and we gravitated towards each other in a tight embrace. She stood on her tip toes as I held her, and whispered in my ear as she sobbed.

"I've dreamt about you every night."

I looked her in the eyes and removed a stray hair from in front of her eye.

"Me too," I told her.