Fade Into You Chapter 18

"Well, fuck me."

There were no other words.

"This can't be real life," I whispered to myself.

I read, and then I read again, and then I read it three more times for good measure. This wasn't counting the five times I read it before I regained my wits enough to swear about it.

I couldn't figure this out. Was I in the hospital again? Or was I merely sleeping and having another dream? What in the fuck…?

I pulled out my phone and shot off a quick text to Alice, my eyes never leaving the piece of paper in my lap. I was terrified that if I looked away from it, it would disappear, just like she had.

I need you. Can you come to Starbucks?

What I needed was confirmation that I hadn't lost it. I mean, I gathered I'd lost it long ago, but I, and everyone else around me, had spent so much time ingraining it in my head that everything concerning Bella was just a dream. It was a way for me to discern real life from dream life. How then, could this be reality?

My phone buzzed and I reluctantly tore my eyes away from the page .

Be right there. How much do we owe this time? Should I call Carlisle?
I rolled my eyes and chuckled.

Not like that. Just come. No Carlisle…yet.

She didn't respond after that and I was left to my thoughts which lulled me into in a near catatonic state. It was too much like the first letter I'd received in my dream…and that wasn't even the craziest part. That wasn't even close to the part that made my skin crawl.

She was there. The day I was run down, she was there…and she had helped me.

I was about ninety percent sure the voice I remembered was hers. I could hear Bella's voice in there now; it was just a variation of it. She was there. She had touched me. I hadn't imagined my contact with her. It was real.

My mind was spinning a million miles a minute.

She dreamt about me. In my dreams, I had called her my 'pretty girl', causing her to cry. But was that even real? I mean, was I just like, making up the things I wanted to believe again?

Fuck. My . Life.

Whether that's 'Fuck my fake life' or 'Fuck my real life', I still wasn't sure.

I sat and I waited and I read. I looked out the window and back to the page. I looked around the coffee shop and back to the page, and then began the cycle all over again. Was she watching this time, as she had the last time?

The coffee sat on the table in front of me, forgotten and cold. I looked suspiciously over to the barista and wondered if she was real. Was the coffee real? Was I fucking real?

This couldn't be good. I began questioning things. I watched as a man brought a cup to his lips and drank. He'd never once looked in my direction, which wasn't out of the ordinary but, given the circumstance, suddenly had me pondering my existence.

I sat and I waited and I read. I looked out the window and back to the page. I looked around the coffee shop, and then began the cycle again.

Alice. Where the fuck was Alice?

I scrubbed my face with my hands and up through my hair. I wanted nothing more than to just believe that this was real, but then another thought occurred to me.

How was I certain that what had happened before wasn't real, and this life, right here, was the non-realistic one? Both of them were fucked up beyond repair. Both were unrealistic to me at this point. What the fuck was the real one? What if I had actually gone into a coma after the accident with Bella, and she was somewhere beside me, talking to me, and this letter was me hearing her? That didn't make any sense. She wouldn't have told me all of that again.

Or what if I was just remembering what I knew? And in this alternate life, I didn't have a Bella yet? And I would have to find her all over again? But when I woke up, she would just be there, all beautiful and mine.

Right.

So where the fuck was I? Yes. I was waiting for Alice. Waiting. Reading. Window. Reading. Patrons. Reading.

The bell above the door jingled and I whipped my head in that direction, grateful to see Alice standing there. What caught me off guard though, was what I thought I saw behind her. I couldn't stop looking.

Alice made her way over to my chair and stood in front of me, forcing me to crane my neck to see around her rather than actually acknowledging her existence. I heard her huff and knew she had noticed.

"Some people need to be taught that color belongs in every wardrobe. Blacks and browns are not becoming," she said.

"Blacks and browns are just fine on her. Shut your trap," I muttered.

Wait.

I finally looked up at my sister and I noticed she was looking out the window behind her, at the very same thing I was focusing on the entire time.

"You can…?" I nearly gasped. "Alice, can you see her?"

"Of course I can see her," she said sarcastically. It's kind of difficult to not see all those neutral colors, no matter how small the package is that they come in. Why, Edward? What's goi…"

I didn't wait to hear the rest of what she had to say. I was up out of my chair, and past the newspaper stand quicker than anyone could see, I imagined. I made it through the door, without yanking the fucking jingly bells from their hiding spot, even though I really, really wanted to. Those things were fucking annoying.

I looked around, and came up with nothing. She was just there. Alice saw her too. I wasn't crazy.

I repeated that to myself as I looked left ,then right before breaking into a run when I noticed the brunette girl running down the sidewalk. She took an abrupt turn. By the time I made it to the corner she was lost.

So. Fucking. Close.

She was right there. It was her. There was no mistaking that. I could tell just from her eyes. I let her get away when she was so close.

I stood on that corner with my hands on my knees, panting, trying to catch my breath for I don't even know how long, before Alice came up behind me and started rubbing my shoulder.

"Was that her?"

I could only manage to nod as I stood up. I slapped my thighs with both hands and shook my head in an effort to shake off the effects of my sprint. I finally turned to her and she was looking at me sadly.

"This is a good thing, Edward. I can feel it. This means she's definitely out there. She may not know it's you, but that's fine. Give her some time."

"She knows it's me," I whispered. "She was there that day, Alice." Her eyes bugged out of her head as I led her back to the coffee shop where all of our stuff had been left strewn about.

"Bella's letter!" I exclaimed as I ran. No. It couldn't be gone. It had to be there. I dragged an exasperated and confused Alice along behind me as we rand back to the coffee shop, making the fucking jingly thing jingle…again. I swear I was going to dismantle that one day.

"Thank fuck," I yelled out, causing everyone to look at me in shock. I gave the barista and the manager a sheepish expression as I remembered promising that I would at least keep my hysterics on the down low.

"Okay, Edward. Please explain to me what the fuck is going on. I think you're giving me honest-to-God whiplash here. I can't take it anymore."

I thrust the letter in her face and told her to read it as I sunk back down into the chair, nervously bouncing my leg up and down. I tugged at chunks of my hair and twisted my hands together nervously, hoping against hope that she would read the same words that I did and not say something like,'What's so great about someone's shopping list, you idiot?'.

"Jesus…" she whispered.

"Jesus what, Alice? Tell me what you see there." She was driving me nuts. It was a whole other minute before she said anything and I knew this because I was counting.

"Edward. She was there."

Oh thank kiddie Christ that makes pancakes for breakfast.

"You have to find her," she breathed out.

"Yeah, no shit Alice," I said, rolling my eyes at her.

"So what did you need me here for?" she asked, cocking her head to the side.

This was the part I was dreading. I didn't want to admit these insecurities to anyone, especially not Alice. I sighed and brought my chin down to my chest.

"I needed to know I wasn't crazy," I mumbled out.

She cupped her hand around her ear and, again, I rolled my eyes at her. She was going to make me say it. Sometimes I really did dislike her.

"I needed validation…" I said, dragging the word out. "that I'm not a fucking nutcase. Okay? There, I said it. I couldn't tell if this was reality or not."

I actually felt ashamed of this information. I needed to be set up in a loony bin with the padding and everything.

"Edward, it's okay you know. You're doing as well as can be expected. We're all here for you."

I stood up in a rage that came out of nowhere and looked her straight in the eye.

"See, you can't say shit like that to me. That's what I was hearing you guys say when I wasn't exactly here. It makes me question everything,"

Alice looked to the floor in shame and I instantly regretted everything I'd said.

"I'm sorry, Edward."

"No, don't be sorry. I was an asshole…again."

There was a moment of awkward silence then, as we both felt like we had screwed something up, both of us knowing full well it wasn't either of our faults.

"I think I'm just going to leave her a letter and then go home for the day. I need some rest," I told her, giving her a hug.

"You don't need me to stay, do you?"

I shook my head at her and she nodded, seemingly understanding that I needed to be alone to do this.

"Call me later, okay?"

"I will. And thanks again, Al…for everything."

"No thanks needed! Just find her so I can have my best friend and the love of my life back," she said, winking at me as she turned to leave.

I chuckled and then sat back down in the chair and pulled out the notebook, the very same way as I did the first time. I fought the urge to look outside knowing that she had already been there and already seen me. No need to torture myself any further.

August 31, 2008

Dear Noticed by Someone,

You're wrong, you know. You do know me, you just don't know it yet….or perhaps you do. You're letter indicates that you have been having problems sleeping due to visions of a person. I have the same problem you know. She's brunette and has these pretty brown eyes that express so much. They tell me everything she's feeling. She's a tiny little thing, smaller than my sister, but I think that we can work on that.

In my dreams, I fall in love with this girl and we help each other through everything. I bring her flowers and hold her arm when she trips. I whisper things in her ear like how gorgeous she is and I stand up for her when she can't do it for herself. We cuddle together at night and we become each others everything.

I make her stop driving her sucky truck because I'm terrified that something will happen to her if she drives it, and I introduce her to some great new friends. We become a family, and she always rejects my proposals, but I'm okay with it because I know that one day she says yes. I haven't finished that dream yet.

This girl in my dreams is sweet and loving and adorable. She would never hurt a fly…never. One thing she does that drives me insane is that she keeps things to herself. Important things. But you don't. You told me that you needed help with something, and that's far more than your dream self did at this point in the game.

The girl in question is one Isabella Swan. Please tell me you are her. I need to know if it was you and if I might one day get to keep you in real life. I don't care that things might be different; I just know in my heart that all of this happened for a reason.

Even thought I've woken up now, that 'Isabella Vein' in my heart keeps pumping hard. Harder than anything else in my body. I don't need you to love me; not yet. I just need you in my life in whatever way I can. Be my friend its all I ask. I promise not to disappoint you.

Please Call me…or text me even. Whatever is easiest for you. I know you might be nervous and I probably just scared the shit out of you, but I'll tell you something that I've told you a million times before, even if you didn't know it.

Don't be scared, pretty girl. I'm that guy.

555-2467

Eamc1901 … That's my hotmail. Maybe even easier for you.

Forever, Edward.

(P.S. I just realized how stalkerish this will sound to you, but I promise that the first second we have together, if you'll even allow it, I will explain everything. Also, thought you might like to know that the Green eyed boy you helped that day is grateful to you for my lack of deadness.)

I had numerous second thoughts about leaving this letter - Not because I was scared of who would find it. I was more afraid that she would call the cops or something. That was precisely what I didn't need. I decided to just leave the damn thing.

My phone buzzed with a call as I was folding it, so I answered, cradling it between my ear and shoulder.

"What's up, Em?"

"Dude, are you at that coffee shop?"

What? Was I a fucking mind reader in my subconscious? This was all a little too weird for me. I chuckled before answering him.

"Shut up, Em."