Fade Into You Chapter 17

August 2

I finally found myself sitting in a dingy diner in the middle of downtown waiting for Tanya to arrive. It had been quite the ordeal to try and find her and make contact with her. Not an easy woman to get in touch with at all. But really, what had been easy in my life since I'd woken up and quite frankly, wasn't she the cause of this entire mess?

The shrink, who I had renamed Head Peeper McGee, by the way, told me it wasn't necessarily a bad idea meeting with Tanya, but that I should be careful. Perhaps have someone close by. I took his advice, and so Emmett sat in a booth on the other side of the diner…just in case. Not that I thought anything would happen, but 'apparently' I wasn't 'stable in the mind' yet.

Alright. I had to agree. I was probably the farthest thing from stable.

I still had dreams, and every time I dreamt, it was of her. Not of the bitch with the cold eyes, but of her. Of Bella. They were always new things; I never dreamed the same thing twice. Every time I closed my eyes, there she was.


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"Hey, Bella? Let's go for coffee, babe."

"Okay, let me get my coat," she told me, disappearing after a quick kiss to my cheek.

I checked in my pocket to make sure I had it. It was there. I knew exactly what I was doing. Pulling it off would be the scary part.

"Okay. Let's go. I want to stop off at that one store on the way home, the one that I saw the jacket in the window of the other day."

"Sure baby," I already bought that jacket for her. The other day we'd been out wandering around and she gushed over it in a window of a thrift store. It was all patchwork and seventies, right out of 'Almost Famous' ala Kate Hudson. My pretty girl was in love with it, so naturally, I went back to buy it on my lunch break the next day.

I was fairly certain that the coat would be the last thing on her mind after I was through with her today anyways.

We were living downtown now, so much closer to everything, so we made our way out into the mild Seattle day with my arm wrapped around her. She snuggled into 'The Bella Spot' and we made our way to the Starbucks, happy and in love.

The tinkle above the door announced our entrance and I told her to go sit in our chair as I was going to get the drinks.

"Why is there a letter there?" she asked me.

"I'm not telling. Go sit!" I told her and chuckled as she blushed when I smacked her little bum playfully.

I watched as she went and sat in the chair and tried to slyly check the sides of the chair. She came up with a piece of paper, and glanced at me. I winked at her and held up a finger motioning for her to wait for me.

"Welcome to Starbucks, what can I get for you today?" the barista asked me.

I looked away from Bella and into her eyes…for once they weren't those eyes.

"Ya…look; I called earlier asking for a couple of favors. Is the manager around?" Her eyes lit up as she took off to find her manager. It would seem that they all knew what was in store for me and my beautiful Bella today.

"Edward is it?" A woman in her mid thirties asked me, presumably the manager.

"Yes, we spoke on the phone earlier…" I gave her a meaningful look saying I didn't want to say too much, as the girl in question wasn't too far away. Looking over again, I noticed that she still hadn't opened it, thank God.

"Everything is in place, and here are your two mocha lattes." She whispered.

I thanked her for them and made my way back to the girl that I was about to make my fiancé.
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I had many dreams about asking Bella to marry me. They were all different, and she always said no, but this one never finished. I never got to know the answer to my question.

I was brought out of my musings by an unwelcome hand on the shoulder.

"Edward? I'd know those eyes anywhere." The voice said sickly sweet. I looked up and almost cried out.

Tanya.

I had no idea how to react to her, or what I even wanted to say. I simultaneously wanted to thank her for the time I had, and fucking rip her throat out for causing this mess. I needed to make her eyes stop haunting me. I needed to know if she was the voice I'd heard before I lost consciousness, even though everyone had told me that she didn't even exit her vehicle until the police had arrived.

I'd begun remembering more of that day. More sounds, more touches. Still the only vision I had were her eyes and it made me sick. I remembered something that haunted me to a completely different extreme.


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I could feel hands touching me everywhere.

People yelling to keep me still, not to touch or move me.

I could hear sirens in the distance.

I felt an almost familiar caress of my face and then a voice close to my ear.

"Stay strong. You can do this. Help is on its way."

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The voice was something I knew, but I couldn't place it for the life of me.

I now knew that it didn't belong to Tanya.

"Ms. Denali," I said as I rose to shake her hand. She extended her own and greedily took mine in, like a piranhas smelling blood. I pulled away quickly and motioned to the seat across from mine, hoping to put some distance between us.

"Please, call me Tanya,"

"Okay then, Tanya," I decided to be civil and grant her that one thing.

"So what is it you'd like to talk about? I must say, I'm surprised you tried to contact me at all."

I'm pretty sure my eyes bugged out of my head. This chick was really wondering what I wanted to talk about?

"I want to know what caused the accident. What caused my life to be turned upside down. Nothing big, really." I already knew the answer from the police, but I wanted to hear it from the horses' mouth.

I tried focusing on any other part of her, anything, but all I saw were her emotionless eyes. She didn't even care.

"The uhhhh, the sun was in my eyes,"

Lies.

"You were just all of a sudden there, and the brakes just didn't work fast enough,"

Stop lying.

"I'm really sorry. I was terrified. I got out to make sure you were alright right away,"

Too many lies.

I just stared at her in shock. Everything she had just told me was a bold faced lie. All of it. Okay, the terrified part might be right, but only because she'd been worried for her precious self.

"So you weren't texting,"

Silence.

"Or applying lip gloss?"

She looked away and bit on her lip, still silent.

"You're telling me, that you got out of your vehicle, came to check on me, to make sure I hadn't died or something?"

Silence.

"That's what I thought. Look," I could tell this meeting wasn't going to last long. I needed to get this over with and get the hell out. Coming close to losing it was mild. "You have ruined me. Do you understand that? I know the truth, you think I don't, but I do. I need you to get out of my life now. For good.

"Your cold ugly eyes were the last thing I saw and they're all I see now. Aside from the woman you made me fall in love with. The woman that is out there somewhere and I can't fucking find her. The woman that I don't even know if shell let me in in reality."

She looked at me in shock.

"I'm placing the blame on you, and I never want to see you again."

"B-but, I thought maybe you'd want to get together. I could do wonders for you," she whispered.

I froze and a chill went up my spine. I'd heard those words from her before. The same time she insinuated that Bella wasn't enough for me. She was actually hitting on me. Was this real life?

"Go fuck yourself," I told her with narrowed eyes. "Get the fuck out of my sight."

"I beg your pardon?" she said taken aback.

"I said," emphasizing the word because I knew she heard me loud and clear, "Go. Fuck. Yourself."

"That is completely uncalled for,"

"And hitting on me wasn't?" I yelled.

I noticed Emmett stand at the other side of the diner and I motioned for him to wait. I needed to finish this business.

"You can't finish what you started but you can sure as hell confuse the subject more, cant you?"

"I was just thinking, you know, we're both pretty fine looking specimens, and I mean, I'm willing to look past the fact that you're a bit of a head case since you're hot and the sex would probably be mind-blowing…"

What was mind blowing was how idiotic this girl was.

"Tanya," I said and she came a little closer expecting…what? I don't even know. "You don't even know how much you just made me want to hit a woman. And I vomited in my mouth a little just now…I hope you know."

With that, I laid a bill on the table for the drink I had before the bitch had arrived. We hadn't even been sat long enough for a server to come our way. I wasn't giving her the pleasure of a proper goodbye, or anything. I knew for a fact that if I ever saw her again, we would both regret it.

"Bro, what the fuck?" Emmett asked as he caught up with me on my way out the door.

I shook my head at him and laughed humorlessly.

"Let's just say, dreams can be pretty fucking telling things. Also, some people are just idiots. Brainless even," I told him.

"Ah well screw that. Wanna go out tonight?"

"Sure," I told him, and I actually meant it.


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August 12

"How did your meeting with the woman go?"

I scratched the back of my head as I avoided eye contact with Head Peeper McGee. Dude was a little unnerving. Our meetings were farther apart now and this was the first time wed met up since my interesting little encounter with Ms. Denali.

"It went," I simply said.

"Hmmmm," he retorted with. I rolled my eyes.

"It was…not what I was expecting. Not at all. She uh, she lied to me and then proceeded to make a pass at me," I felt my cheeks heat up in anger and embarrassment.

The fucker laughed at me and I glared at him in question.

"It's just that, maybe it would help you to move on, to see what else is out there,"

This again. It was his mantra pretty much. Move on from Bella. Move on from what I knew to be a lie. Move on from what I loved, basically.

"I can't. She's out there somewhere." I reminded myself of that daily. I felt as though I was starting to forget things about her and it scared the ever loving fuck out of me. She was someone I didn't want to forget. Never.

"She may be, but I can guarantee you that she will now be the same. Neither will the others. Keep that in mind."

He wrote a few lines on his little clipboard and I rolled my eyes.

"I'll see what I can do," I muttered, but then hastily added, "just not with her" I told him, I'm sure a look of disgust on my face.

"Understandable. Just remember what I said, it might be helpful if you explored your horizons a little bit, saw what else was out there,"

He looked at the clock then as did I. Our time was up for another day and I couldn't be happier. Nothing made me feel crazier than a session with HPM. He even had something stuck in his teeth this time around and I felt reluctant to trust a dude with spinach stuck between his front teeth. It's the only thing I could look at.

"We're getting somewhere, Edward. Don't think you're taking any steps back, because you aren't. Any blackouts or panic attacks since the coffee shop ordeal?"

Why was he still talking?

"No…nothing since."

"That's good," he said as he regarded me with inquisitive eyes. "Have you been back there?"

"No. Look, isn't this session over?"

"It is, technically. But I can't help but ponder over something. You said that you two had dated the letters in your dreams?"

His question made me stop and look at him perplexed. I was intrigued now.

"Yes…" I said as I leaned closer to him.

"Do you remember the date you received the first letter?" He asked as he tapped his pen on his desk making me increasingly more and more nervous. I still wanted to pull the green thing out of his teeth, but I wanted more than anything to know what exactly he was getting at. "Maybe you should go there on that day; it might help you get past some things."

I had nothing to say to that. I didn't think I could do it. I nodded and stood, as he did and we shook hands as we always did.

"Think about it; let me know how it goes."


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August 23

I couldn't get the stupid shrinks words out of my head. What would be so helpful about going there on the day in question? The day it all began. I mean, I knew that the dates were all skewed between my dream world and real life, but what good could come of it? Another breakdown? Totally what I needed.

"So here's what we have on one Isabella Swan," Carlisle said. "Everything I could find'"

I looked to him with rapt attention waiting for what he'd have to say.

"Her mother and step father were killed in a car accident on the highway, seems it was a truckers fault. Her father, we knew him as Chief Swan," he paused here and took a breath making me nervous. I already knew the family home was vacant, I'd checked it. "Gained custody of her at the age of twelve. It's so strange, how none of us even knew that he had a daughter, let alone that she was living here."

My mind was spinning a million miles a second. Chief Swan, I remembered being told, was killed in the line of duty seven years ago. I'd never been in school with her; none of the family knew her and didn't even know she existed. This shit did not compute.

"What about Jasper and Rosalie Hale?" I asked him.

"They are out of the country at the moment. Annual family getaway. No other information there. I'm not a private detective, son. This is all the information I could find on her. I'm sorry,"

"But you're saying she is somewhere out there, correct?"

"That is what I'm saying,"

"Then that's all I need to hear."


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August 31

I stood at the entrance to Starbucks, petrified and full of fucking fear. I felt more at ease this time. I was more nervous that maybe they had banned me from ever entering again, and I'd never get the chance at closure.

Taking a deep breath, I opened the heavy door and made my way inside, pausing briefly in the entryway next to the newspaper rack. I glanced around. There was no Bella, there was no Jasper, and there was no Rosalie.

I could do this.

The chair sat there in all its glory. A little tattered, but mended. I was eternally grateful that they hadn't needed to buy a new one for that spot and 'The Chair' could be easily repaired.

I walked towards the cashier and upon witnessing the apprehensive look in her eyes, I remembered her from the day I flipped my shit and broke down. Giving her a cautious smile, trying to ease the tension, I approached and let the breath I'd been holding leave slowly through my nose and mouth, preparing myself.

"Is your manager in miss?" I asked her politely, and she took off without an answer. I felt bad, because I knew she was frightened of me. I had put on quite a show, what I could remember of it anyways. A lot of progress had been made since then, and here I stood, not even an inkling to lash out at all.

"Can I help you sir? Oh its you!" The woman exclaimed, almost excited to see me. That was an odd reaction.

I smiled ruefully at her and extended my hand which she willingly took. "I'd like to apologize and I was wondering if I had overstepped my boundaries by returning here?"

It suddenly felt odd that I hadn't told anyone I was coming here. Not Head Peeper McGee, not Alice, not even Carlisle or Esme. I needed some incentive to stay calm. The manager looked at me in confusion, so I decided to elaborate.

"What I mean is, did you ban my ass from here for the trouble I caused?"

She laughed along with me and then shook her head.

"Of course not, sir. We heard your story, and I just couldn't even imagine. It's why we couldn't part with that chair, young man. Just," she paused and looked around quickly, if you feel the need to lose it again, perhaps you should give us a little warning," she whispered to me. "That is unless it results in a few more engagements…"

"A few more?" I asked puzzled.

"Oh yes. We've had three fellows propose in this very store since that day. It's a beautiful thing to see, that love."

I shook my head in amazement. I was stunned.

"So what will it be? Just a visit? Or would you like something to drink as well?" She asked me. The barista seemed to relax at her side and I was glad. I hated making people feel nervous.

"I'll have a Moc-"

"Mocha Latte, of course. I'll have that right away for you!"

I paid the girl at the till and waited for my coffee in a daze. I was being revered in a way rather than being viewed with disdain and disgust, both of which I deserved. I shook my head and chuckled. Sometimes real life could be as fucked up as a dream.

"Here you go sir. And I mean it, you're welcome back anytime."

"Thank you," I told her and started slowly towards 'The Chair'. I was doing this, and I refused to let my overactive brain get in the way.

I stared down at it for only a moment before turning and sitting. It still felt the same. It was still the same chair. I paused to focus on my thoughts. They seemed to be staying in check and I couldn't figure out why. Where was this leading?

I settled back into the cushion and took a deep breath. Setting my coffee down on the table in front of me, I folded my hands in my lap as they itched to move to my sides.

What harm could it do? If there was nothing there, then I could try and move on. If there was…okay, I had no idea what I was going to do if there was something there.

Slowly digging my hands down either side, I felt nothing at first. Moving my hands towards the back with my eyes clenched shut and my breath halted, my left hand encountered resistance and my eyes shot open in shock.

No. Fucking. Way.

I pulled it out quickly staring at the haphazardly folded piece of paper in my hand not knowing what to do next. I looked around me and realized that no ones eyes were on me, I was pretty much invisible, and that was all I needed at this moment. Outwardly, I was fine. On the inside though, I was flipping the fuck out.

My head jolted up and looked outside, remembering, she had been there watching me the first time, the time in my dream. I scanned but I couldn't see her.

Shit.

I unfolded it, fold by fold until it was open before me and stared in shock as I read.

Dear…Whoever happens upon this,

I don't know who you are, and I assume I never will. Actually I sort of hope we never meet as I'm about to whine away on this piece of lined paper for you to see.

You likely have already stopped reading, but I just feel the need to tell somebody, anybody really, the things that eat away at me day after day. Perhaps that will satisfy my overactive brain for a few minutes so I can at least get a few minutes of much needed sleep. I don't sleep a lot these days. And it isn't just because of my crap life, but it's also because every time I close my eyes I dream of a green eyed boy with messy hair, but that's insignificant at this point.

Now you're wondering why I don't tell my friends, my family, my significant other, or even my pet and leave you the hell alone, but that's just simply impossible.

I'm painfully shy. Even if I did have all of those aforementioned relationships (which are few and far between in my case) I would die before bringing my insecurities and problems up to the forefront for them to do with as they please. This right here is problem number one. I'm shy, insecure and plain. That's how I would describe myself. Boring and plain. Plainly boring, if you will.

I can't count on two hands (as there are far too many) the amount of missed opportunities that have breezed past me in my lifetime.

I am your average, plain, boring twenty two year old college student, who has yet to go on a date, or even kiss a boy. I don't blame it all on my inability to initiate things. That would be the coward's way out. The rest of that blame goes to the fact that I am simply uninteresting, and I assume unattractive, as I've never had the words 'you're pretty' uttered to me. That's right. Never once. I heard it in a dream once. The green eyed boy called me his 'pretty girl'. I woke up crying because it was only a dream. And now I sound pathetic.

I'd like to find love someday. I want to find that spark, that magnetic pull that suspends time and gravity. I do. It just doesn't seem to be in my cards.

I wonder if you're still reading this. If you are, I apologize. You really don't have to.

Are you in college? Because I am. It's so demanding and difficult. Even more so when you're damn near invisible. I hate to say that I envy people that have the ability to speak up, make themselves known, but I do. It doesn't matter what they say, it is definitely about whom you know not so much as WHAT you know. I've realized that when a professor is grading papers he or she will give more attention to names they know whether they are known for good or bad reasons. It's a subconscious thing. Therefore, the professor comes across my paper, sees a name that doesn't even register. He skims, gives it an average mark and moves on. This means that I have to work twice as hard as someone else, just to receive that slightly above average grade.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I'm a genius or anything. Far from it I'm sure. It still sucks.

Still reading? I know, I know. But to be fair, I did say I was going to whine. And life sucks. There's an awful lot to whine about. There's no way to sugar coat it, it just plain freaking sucks.

I know all about heartache and the fact that a truck going down the wrong lane of a highway can change everything.

Speaking of trucks, mine is a piece of shit. Honestly, some days it doesn't even run at all. Makes me feel so much better when that happens. Yeah, I just rolled my eyes as I wrote that.

Sucky truck.

When I was younger, I was anorexic. I'm not anymore…I don't think so anyways. I mean, I eat. Not hoards of food or anything, but I eat. And it isn't often that it comes back up. Actually, I think I'm lying. I may need some help for this…

It just occurred to me that I'm pretty much just randomly jotting stuff down here for you to read. No rhyme, no reason. That's how my life feels. My brain works a million miles a minute with no rhyme or reason. No reprieve either. That's kind of the point of this exercise. I'd be mortified if I was saying this out loud, or even if I had to watch you read it, right there in front of me.

But the thing is, I need to sleep. I haven't slept a full night in so long that I just might die of shock if or when it actually happens. I just can't seem to turn my brain off long enough to get a decent REM cycle on the go.

God, do those words even make sense?

Ever since the day I helped that boy that got hit by the car, he's all I can see. It's so stupid. He doesn't even know I exist.

I do believe I've taken up more than enough of your time…that is if you didn't flounce five words in. I hope I haven't ruined your day…

Tell me if you happen to find my green eyed dream boy would you?

Sincerely, Me