Fade Into You Chapter 16

"You don't have to do this you know."

Alice and I had been standing outside the Starbucks for well over half an hour now, and I showed no signs of moving forward. I kept telling myself that I could do this, but it was getting harder and harder to take action.

"I can do this, Alice." I told her through gritted teeth.

The anger within started to flare again, but I knew this time that it was directed at myself. At some point I had to man up and stop being such a baby about this whole situation. No one would want a sulky Cullen now would they?

"I'll be with you the whole time," she told me again just as she had five other times before.

I nodded once, resolutely and then grabbed her hand pulling the door open in front of us. I could do this. I could totally do this.

"I can't do this," I said and surprised the shit out of Alice with the yank on her arm when she hadn't noticed I'd stopped.

There we stood, just inside the door probably looking like a couple of tools. I couldn't even move. Everything around me overwhelmed me to the point of distraction. Right beside me was the newspaper stand that Jasper had re-arranged to his liking. There, at the counter was the same rack of CDs I had noted in my dream state. The sofa sat along the side, empty and lonely and then my eyes settled on it.

That mother fucking chair.

I wanted to scream at it, tell it to stop mocking me. Light it on fire so that no one else could sit on it. Ever. I wanted to rip it apart and scour every inch of it for pieces of paper that might have been left there, but most of all I just wanted to cry.

"You don't have to-"

"I can't do this…It isn't right. None of this is fucking right. Make me go over there and see, Alice. PUSH ME, ALICE! Make me see that there's nothing there so I can live my fucking life."

People were staring at this point and had been for awhile, I was guessing, but that meant nothing. I saw Alice on the phone and assumed she was on the phone to Carlisle. What the fuck could he do from three hours away…what could he do if he was right in front of me even?

"Edward, you need to calm down." She said as she grabbed my arm and gently tried to move me off to the side, but my feet were rooted to the spot. "I knew this was a bad idea." She said under her breath. "Edward lets go sit. Come over he-"

"No! You want me to SIT in here? What…do you want me to sit in that goddamn fucking chair? Fine! Watch me!"

I was well aware that at this point I had lost my fucking mind. Gone were the brief moments of sanity I had ever held near and dear to me, but I couldn't make myself stop as I stalked over to the evil spawn. By that I mean the chair, definitely not my sister.

"Is this what you want?" I yelled as I sat my ass down. "Is it?"

Rage was coursing through me and I knew there was no way to stop it.

"Edward calm down. You'll get past this all. I promise…" My sisters teary voice spoke from somewhere near me. I couldn't focus on anything happening around me. I was stuck in this anger bubble in my head and it needed out in the worst way.

"Get past this?" I laughed bitterly. "Alice I CAN'T get past this. I'm not even so sure that I WANT to get past this. Did you know that you loved her too? You did, so much. And she introduced you to the love of your life. And she loved you, too. We were her family Alice. She didn't have any left. She had her best friend and his sister. That's what she had before us."

Alice came and knelt down in front of me and grabbed both of my hands in hers.

"Edward, we're here for you okay? Carlisle and Esme are on their way."

"Carlisle told me not to let this one slip away. He was convinced that she was the one I'd been waiting for. He was right. I was going to ask her to marry me, Alice. I mean thank God I woke up when I did, because if we'd been married and had little Bella's running around or something, I don't even know…

"She never really had any girlfriends, Alice and you became her best friend. I feel like I took you all away from each other too when I woke up. I feel like I fucked everything up by coming back. Don't you get it? And this chair. Alice this fucking chair."

I dropped my head to my hands and shook it slowly from side to side.

"I've never been here before, not in real life, but I know this store and this chair like the back of my hand. And this chair…it was my lifeline."

I knew I had to do it, so I shoved my hands down in on either side hoping to come up with something…anything.

Nothing.

Fuck.

Fuck my life.

Fuck this stupid coffee shop.

Fuck everything.

"We should go Edward. People are staring."

"You think I give a shit if people stare at me, Alice? Go if you want, but I need to do this."

I gripped at my hair and shut my eyes tight standing abruptly from the hateful chair. I turned around to stare at it once again. It just sat there. It was being all 'Oh hey, I'm just a chair, why do you feel the need to hate on me, asshole?' and I lost it again.

I flipped it over onto its backside, splintering it in spots and sending pieces flying everywhere. For good measure I kicked the shit out of it a couple times. I was a man possessed. I needed to place blame somewhere and that chair seemed as good a place as any.

"Why? Someone tell me why the fuck things like this happen to people. It must be karma, right?" I was shouting to the crowd of random coffee goers who had assembled, mouths hanging agape watching my display. I went up to one loving couple in particular. They made me want to spit. "Imagine," I said to the man. "Imagine that you woke up tomorrow to find that the time you spent with this lovely lady here wasn't even fucking real. Imagine that. Tell me. How would you take it?"

I was well aware that I'd gone completely round the bend this time. But couldn't make it stop.

"How long have you two been together, hmm?"

"Si-six months," he stammered, nervous by my singling him out, I was sure.

I laughed bitterly. Six months. How ironic.

"Long enough to fall in love and know you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with her?"

They looked stunned, and I couldn't shut my big mouth.

"Think about your answer now. I know. It's damn well possible. So if you don't know or if you aren't sure…think about what I'm saying now."

I moved on from him without waiting for an answer to a man sitting alone at a table with a newspaper and a coffee.

"You. You look like you could use a little love. Think you'll find it here? Be careful what you wish for."

I felt a hand on my shoulder and whacked it away. I didn't want to deal with them just yet.

"No!" I screamed behind me without looking. "Just let me get it out!"

I was frustrated and the thoughts were swimming around in my mind without any semblance of organizations.

"It's like, I remember things that happened, and we do things…and I can't separate the difference. I want to bring up the time that Alice picked 'The Sound of Music' and Emmett chased Rosalie around his living room for the remote control. Or the time that Bella and I went out with you and Jasper, Alice…the time that he asked you to move in with him and you squealed. You squealed, Alice. I'd never seen you happier.

"Or about the time that she said she loved me and my entire world was good. Everything was perfect in that very moment."

I dropped my head in sadness and took a moment to remember everything…sift through the compartments of my mind trying to come up with the things that were the truth. Looking up I was met with three sets of sad eyes and a slough of terrified ones. My eyes squinted in anger because they would never understand the way I was being torn apart from the inside out by this.

Carlisle and Esme were here. She had called them and they'd come to rescue me. That made me feel like a pile of shit. I had ignored them for so long, and here they were coming to my aid with genuine concern. I shook my head before taking another kick at the chair before collapsing down on the floor. Within seconds I felt Carlisle's hands on me, trying to help me in whatever way he could.

"Edward, I'm taking you to the hospital."

"You don't understand, Carlisle," I tried to say, but it came out slurred. "You were going to give me the ring and everything."

"Alright, let's go son."

That's the last thing I remembered before succumbing to the darkness.


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"You're beautiful, you know. Precious little thing," I sang tunelessly to my pretty girl.

She looked so perfect at the moment, out in a meadow, sun shining on her, and her hair blowing around us. I liked to write cute little songs about her in my head and sing them to her. It made her blush every time.

"Marry me."

"Mmmmm…no."

I chuckled. It was the same answer every time. She had her reasons, and I didn't truly think it was because she didn't want to. I think she was more scared to than anything.

"Ya, do it. Come on, it'll be fun. Jasper can even be your Maid of Honor."

That got a little laugh out of her as I kissed her sweetly on the mouth and ran a hand through her hair.

"Marry me."

"You're pushy."

"You love me."

"I do…love you." She said and then giggled. She knew the first part of her sentence would get to me. I couldn't wait to hear those words come out of her mouth.

"I do…too. See, was that so hard?" I teased.

"No. Kiss me again," she demanded.

So I kissed her again.
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"The damages are going to come out of our pockets, but that's fine. And the Starbucks isn't going to press any charges. I explained the situation to them, and they seemed to take pity."

"He needs help, Carlisle. He can't do this on his own. I think there's entirely too much for him to deal with that he can't even get out of his head properly. He was going to marry that girl. Did you have any luck finding her?." My aunt asked.

Carlisle sighed deeply and then I felt someone grab my hand. I winced internally realizing that it was all a dream again. It was a good dream too.

"Not her, precisely. She does exist, so that's a good sign. Her parents were killed in a car crash, but I can't find anything past that. She lived in Forks. I didn't even know that Chief Swan had a daughter."

"Neither did I." Esme said.

Mmmm, they were talking about Bella. My pretty Bella. I missed her.

"Well, if he's meant to find her he will. I think that right now we need to get him through this. I'm not sure how much more I can take."

I faintly heard a knock at the door and it squeaked open.

"Come on in, kids. He's doing okay. They doped him up pretty good, so he's still out."

So that's why I felt so happy. I was wondering what I was on and why I wasn't sharing.

"Hey big brother," I heard Alice say tearfully. "I'm sorry I pushed you. I'll never do it again I pro-"

She broke down in tears before she could even finish her sentence and that broke my heart. Alice didn't cry. Alice was happy. She was where I went when I needed a little happy in my life. She shouldn't cry. I felt myself frown, but couldn't do much else. Everything felt a little heavy, but at least I was coherent enough to hear what was going on around me.

"Come here, Al. He'll be okay. None of this is your fault. Stop trying to place the blame on yourself or anyone else. I think Edward would be upset if he knew you were doing that. Right Edward?" My frown was still in place because I really did feel bad. I had yelled at her. Belittled her in front of anonymous people. I was a jackass. "See look. He's frowning at you. So stop it."

"Edward we're all here for you. We know you can actually hear us this time, so I'm just letting you know were here for you. Don't push us away anymore, baby. We'll help you." Esme told me.

I smiled faintly before reality passed on me again.


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"I really don't like the bookshelf here. Maybe we should move it over there."

I smiled at her as I pinched her on the cheek.

"You mean maybe I should move it over there," said with a chuckle. Not that I minded, I just liked to tease her.

"I can help you…maybe you should get Emmett or Jasper to help you," she said shrugging. She was small, and knew I didn't like her lifting heavy things.

"Mmmhmm," I said as I wrapped my arms around her and inhaling her scent. "Maybe we should just get Jasper to come and move all the furniture around. Nothing would be out of place and we wouldn't have to worry about anything being crooked."

She laughed. I was sweating from lugging boxes around so, pushing back for Bella for a moment, I lifted my shirt off my head and tossed it off to the side gracelessly.

"Want some water?" I asked her.

"N-no."

I started chugging the bottle I had and looked at her out of the corner of my eye wondering why she was not only stuttering but her eyes were wide as saucers.

"What's up, my love? You seem astonished."

"I am. I always forget about how perfect you are until I see it." She told me flustered.

I smiled at her bringing her back to me.

"Perfection is your middle name, Bella. Don't ever forget that."
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That was a good dream. Another really good dream. God I wished it could be real. I opened my eyes to see Carlisle resting on a chair with Esme sat on his lap, his arms around her, and Alice sitting in another chair next to my hospital bed. Of course I was in the hospital again. Why not?

"Hey, Alice," I said quietly hoping not to wake the others.

She looked up surprise and excitement written all over her face, before she remembered why we were here and her face fell.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry," I told her lifting her face to meet my eyes. "You didn't do anything wrong. I'm sorry I was awful to you." I thought back to the events that had transpired and grimaced. "I'm also sorry that I embarrassed you in front of all those people…and was a dick to them too."

"It's okay. I mean, no one wants to press charges, and after you left people were very sympathetic." she chuckled and then messed up my hair. "The couple you were getting at even got engaged, right there in the Starbucks."

I looked at her in shock. How the hell had I done something good out of all of this?

"Yeah, as soon as things died down and I was talking to the management, he proposed. He got down on his knee, told her that there was no way he could go on if he woke up tomorrow if she didn't exist and that was that!"

"Well, that's…strange. Good, but strange. I'm sorry I yelled at you though, Al. That was unacceptable. I shouldn't have done that. I wasn't in my right mind then. Can you forgive me?"

It was her turn to look shocked as she scowled at me.

"There's nothing to forgive, Big Brother. Can I ask you a question though?"

"Of course you can. Anything."

"What was Jasper like?"

I laughed loudly that time before remembering my sleeping relatives across the room. I missed Jasper, as fucked up as he was. I clutched Alice's hand and hugged her head to my chest.

"Jasper was like no one I have ever met. And boy did he love you. I'm not sure I'll ever understand how it worked." She quirked a confused eyebrow at me. "Well, you see, little sis. Jasper was extremely OCD. Our dear brother even called him OCDsper. And you…well you just…you aren't."

We both laughed and I heard the stirring of my aunt and uncle waking up.

"Did he love her too?" she asked me with sadness in her eyes.

"He did. He was her best friend…her only friend really until we came along. But then he met you and he knew she had me, so he let me into first place." I smiled remembering that conversation about our places. "And then he said," I whispered as I wiped a tear from Alice's right eye and she smiled weakly at me. "That you," I tapped her on the nose to emphasize my point. "Could be number two because he loved you so much. That left him at number three, but he still didn't love her any less."

"Is that my nephew I hear awake and talking?"

Alice leaned back in the chair and rubbed at her eyes. I still felt bad for taking it away from her, but now I realized there was nothing I could do and that no blame could be laid on me. I decided the best approach would just be to answer any questions anyone had. Not only would they learn more about my other 'life', but it would also do a fair bit of good to get it off my chest.

"It's me. I'm up. And I'm sorry I dragged everyone here again."

"Oh sweetie. Stop it," Esme said as she leaned down to hug me.

"I'm sorry I was avoiding you…" I whispered in her ear and she gave me a smile and waved it off. It was no longer an issue was what she was telling me with that.

"Carlisle. Were you nice to the nurses this time?" I asked him sternly and he shifted his eyes around indicating he really hadn't. "Aw, give them a break. Not everyone can be Carlisle Cullen, old man," I joked with him and he smiled. "Where's Emmett?"

"Emmett went to get some drinks for us all. Should be back any minute now." I nodded.

There was something I needed to do. If I was going to get all my demons out in the open, I needed to get them all out. That included the one person I could lay blame on.

"I've decided that I would like to talk to Tanya."