"And how do you feel about that?"
I looked at the psychiatrist in disbelief. Wasn't he supposed to tell me that shit?
Fuck doc, I'm so confused that I don't even know which end is up right now. No really! Its freaking awesome. One second I'm living in reality and then the next I'm…somewhere else. It's a fucking nightmare.
"Fine."
"Sweetheart, how have you been sleeping?"
Oh…well sleeps my favorite thing in the world. Really, it is, because every time I close my eyes, I'm reminded that living my life without Bella sucks! I've really been getting a lot of it!
"Fine, I've been sleeping alright."
"Do you want to come downtown with us? Get your mind off things?"
Oh, indeed. Going downtown will certainly ease my mind and tear me away from all of this. Everything I'm trying to run away from didn't happen downtown or anything! No! Hell, let's got to the Starbucks and rip my heart out while we're down there, eh?
"Sure…"
I apparently was having a problem with telling people the truth. Not so much that I was lying to them, but I found myself saying what they wanted to hear. Mostly so that they would just lay the fuck off me.
The family was….well, the worst. I had to admit that. They were really only looking out for my well being and it was getting harder to lie to them. In the hospital it'd been easy, after that not so much. I kind of became an asshole and started ignoring them. I wanted to break down on them so bad, but felt I really couldn't.
A breakdown was completely unavoidable but I'm glad it happened at the bookstore with Ben and Angela instead of with my family. I was still embarrassed as fuck, but they seemed cool about it and were starting to understand what I did and did not want to hear. The family was a completely different story altogether.
I felt like an asshole but their apologies and sympathetic glances were starting to kill me. Alice was constantly trying to 'see' what might happen, and Emmett was being extra obnoxious, like he was trying to overcompensate for my shitty mood. Esme and Carlisle were too understanding, and I'd had enough, so I took the avoidance route. It was a fucked up move on my part, but completely necessary in my mind. Rational even.
I refused to tell anyone that I had been seeing the shrink. The 'I told you so' stares got to me. Although I now realized that I couldn't do this alone, I still wanted a little independence.
July 12
"How have things been since our last visit, Edward?"
"The usual. Why me, why can't I find her and all that jazz. Maybe a little bit of self pity thrown in there."
He chuckled and wrote on his chart. It always made me nervous when he did that. I hadn't even thought I said anything helpful or interesting. "Have you gone to the Starbucks yet?"
I looked at him incredulously. I was aware that I was a chicken shit. It had been two months since I woke up and found out that she wasn't real. A month since I'd gone back to work. Three weeks since I decided I needed help beyond what I could give myself. The one thing I couldn't do was step foot in that Starbucks.
My reasoning was simple. If she was there, or any sign of her was there, I would be ecstatic and figure out how to get into her life for real. On the flipside though, going in there and finding no sign at all makes it painfully real. I still held on to this tiny shred of hope that she existed somewhere no matter how naïve that might have been.
"No."
"Do you think you ever will?"
I blew out a breath and wondered if I ever would be able to. Several visions danced through my head. Pictures of walking in only to find a beautiful brown eyed girl sitting in 'The Chair' drinking a Mocha Latte. I saw me walking over to her, leaning down to lay a kiss on the top of her head and her smiling angelically back at me. But then I saw the other side. What I saw there was the break down to end them all punctuated by a stay in your friendly neighborhood mental ward.
"No."
"Hmmmm."
I hated that sound with everything I had in me. It felt judgmental and ominous. Doctors used it all the time, even my uncle.
"How is the family?"
"Fine." I lifted my hand to scratch the back of my neck and looked towards the floor before I met his eyes with a forced smile.
"How do you know?"
"What do you mean by that?" I snapped back.
"Edward, it's obvious to me that you clearly don't really know the answer. Your posture when I asked that told me so. Are you still avoiding them?"
"Yes." I finally whispered out. I felt ashamed and disgusted with myself. It was wrong, I knew it was wrong to avoid them, but I couldn't make myself be around them. Their constant pity and apologetic behavior made everything worse.
I ignored their phone calls, because lets face it, I hated the phone. Every pone call reminded me of what I heard while I was sleeping. Subtle hints that something wasn't right. It hurt the most when I would see my aunts' number flash across the screen and I would instantly reject the call.
"Look, I get that I'm being an asshole here, and need to let people in, but I can't."
"It's understandable, but perhaps if you did let them in, and tell them why you're having problems communicating with them, they can help you along with it. They can't stop what they don't know they're doing wrong," "That's just it. They aren't doing anything wrong! Not really. It's all me. I'm the problem. I can't get past the fact that they all loved her too. They did, and now they'll never get to know that. I feel like I took something away from them as well when I woke up." I rubbed my face and looked down at my lap. "Christ, that doesn't even make any sense."
"Okay. Maybe you need to start off slow. Talk to one member of the family. Maybe the one you feel most comfortable with at the moment. Go from there, and let me know how it goes."
I nodded and blew out another breath. This was so hard.
"I'll see what I can do."
"That's all I ask. I'll see you in three days, Edward. Try and remember that none of this is your fault."
And see that right there was another problem. If it wasn't my fault, and it wasn't an imaginary person's fault, and it wasn't the fault of the people closest to me…where the fuck was I supposed to lay any of the blame?
July 21
I'd taken the advice of the psychiatrist and started with Alice. She was overbearing, but she knew when to back off and she tried her hardest not to bring up the subjects that would upset me.
"Let's go for coffee, big brother." I stopped and paled. She had been trying to make me take baby steps in her own way to push me towards some semblance of recovery. She wasn't being pushy or rude about it and it was small subtle gestures. I think it might have actually been helping. I just wasn't sure that I could do this. This was something that was a hard limit. I wasn't ready to have my heart torn apart just yet.
"Alice…"
"Calm down, Edward," she looked at me with concern. "I wasn't suggesting we do that, I promise."
I instantly relaxed but regarded her curiously. Everything she did had some sort of hidden meaning that I was forced to figure out on my own.
"Just come on…it won't be bad, I promise."
I decided to let her try this out. Whatever it was she had planned couldn't be too awful if she still had a smile on her face.
She leaned into me as we walked towards my darling little sister's desired location. I wrapped my arm around her shoulder as we went and reveled at the thought of having family close by again. I had really missed that. "Esme thought you were angry with her."
"What? No! She can-"
"Shhh, Edward. I explained it to her. She told me to tell you that you should take your time. The last thing any of us wants to do is set you back."
"Thank you Alice."
"For what?"
"Just for being you." I told her as I playfully ruffled the short black hair on her head. She playfully ducked away and memories of another time assaulted me but I willed them back. I was determined not to ruin everything with memories of a time that never really happened.
"Here we are!"
I looked up and then over to my sister, arching an eyebrow and smirking. Today's lesson learned.
We were standing in front of a Borders store that had a Seattle's Best coffee shop attached to it. Seattle's Best was owned by Starbucks, but it was infinitely better. It had what Starbucks lacked and that's a little bit of charm and a lot less pretention. I saw the reason she brought me here right away. It was a different form of our Starbucks.
As we entered, I looked around at my surroundings. The bookstore attached was different than that of a Chapters, but still the same in a way. The colors were different, red and brown, but it still had all the same distinctions of the more popular chain.
The next thing I noticed was the chairs. There was a smattering of tables with regular café style seats, but off to the side were large comfortable cushioned ones. They reminded me of her, but they were different. They didn't make me want to lose my shit.
I was aware that Alice was eyeing me warily, so I decided to make a move. I walked straight up to the counter and ordered our coffees. I looked over to my sister and winked, trying to convey that I could do this, that she had done the right thing here. To be honest, I was freaking out on the inside. So many different emotions were bubbling around in there, some of them completely retarded.
I felt like I was cheating, in a way. Cheating on everything. I was cheating on the coffee we drank, the chair we sat in, cheating on her and the coffee shop itself. I never thought I would feel deceitful toward coffee beans. I felt grief. Grief for what we'd shared and lost, something I had lived through and no one else had. If Isabella did in fact exist out there somewhere, she would never truly know how much she could be loved, and that fucking hurt. It was odd but I had this overwhelming feeling that if I never went back to that Starbucks, things would never be okay. I would never truly get over the emotional damage this shit had scarred me with.
Most importantly, I felt a weight slowly lifting off of me. I had accomplished something that I couldn't do. It wasn't the same place, by any means, but it was similar enough that I had the sensation of achieving something.
The barista handed over our coffees and I paid her... Handing Alice hers, I led her over towards a chair.
"You don't have to do that." She spoke quietly beside me looking nervous.
"I can do this Alice. It's not the same."
"Don't feel like you have to. I'm not forcing you to do anything that really scares you."
"You brought me here for a reason, and I think I got this."
I stood and I stared. The seconds stretched on and I felt as though someone else was whispering to me that I could do this. And by someone else I did not mean my irritatingly awesome little sister that stood stoically beside me ready to intervene at a moments notice. It was an ethereal being, detached, yet completely relevant here. In my mind it was her, and she was helping me along.
"I'm terrified that if I go back to Starbucks I will be devastated..." I told her with closed eyes and an open heart. "But, I'm pretty sure I need to completely rip my heart out if I ever plan to move on from this. Tell me I'm not fucking crazy, Alice. Tell me I'm not insane." I still stood in front of that chair facing it; eyes closed tight willing her to tell me I was normal. I needed to hear it. "Tell
me that what I'm about to do here wont kill me, because I'm pretty sure it will."
"Edward, you are the farthest thing from insane," she said with a hand on my shoulder. "Do you understand me? We can turn around and walk out of here right now."
"No. I can do this…I need to do this."
I opened my eyes and looked down. It seemed harmless enough. I tried telling myself to man up, it was just a chair.
I turned and sat and then melted myself into the back of it. The chair felt wrong and it wasn't the right shape or size, but the sentiment was still there. For good measure, I discreetly shoved my hand down the side of the chair. Finding nothing, I chuckled to myself. Of course there was nothing there.
"You good?"
"I'm good, Alice. How about you go take a look around the bookstore. I know there have been some things you were wanting to pick up."
She nodded in understanding and leaned down to hug me.
"Call me if you need me, okay?"
Once Alice was gone, I pulled the notebook out of my messenger bag and began to write a letter I would never send.
July 21
To My Pretty Girl,
Even though I know you will never read this, I need to write it.
I miss you, everything about you. I'm finding it hard to go about life and not being able to figure out what is real and what isn't.
I want to tell you everyday how pretty you are and how glad I am that you're mine, but I can't. I want to wake up with you every morning and not have to wonder what you might be doing and know for myself how you're feeling. I want to quell any insecurities you might have about yourself and reassure you every moment that you are the most precious thing in my world. You still are even though you don't know it. How sad is that?
I want to tell you that I was going to ask you to marry me. I was going to get my mother's ring and get down on one knee and tell you that I refused to live another day without you. I never told anyone that, they only know that I loved you.
People think I'm crazy, Bella, and I kind of do as well. They tell me I'm not, but I can see it in their eyes as they wonder what the accident did to my brain.
I want to know if you are out there somewhere and if you actually do have a Jasper and a Rosalie at your side. I need to see the cute little faces you make and I want to try new things with you.
You turned my world upside down without even being there to do it. I wish you knew the effect you had on me. It was hard to be near you without touching you, and it was even harder when I saw you cry... I hated seeing you cry. I would spend entire days just trying to make you laugh.
I know I might be batshit nuts and crazier than a shithouse rat, Bella, but there is one thing I know for sure.
I love you. Nothing can change that.
I'm trying to move on, but I promise I won't ever forget about you. You told me once that I wouldn't ever have to let you go and you lied. I can't find it in myself to be angry at you, though. That would make me even more unhinged. Being angry at a mirage can't be good on one's psyche.
Promise me that you are okay and you sleep well enough without me. You always said that the best sleep of your life happened when you were in my bed curled into my side. I'm sorry I can't give that to you now. Just remember that I'd give you the world if I could.
Love Forever and Always,
Your Edward
I tore the letter out of my notebook and folded it up stuffing it into my pocket. Pulling my phone out of the same pocket, I sent Alice a quick text.
I need you.
I scrubbed my face with my hands and then let my head rest on my clasped hands in front of my face. I wanted to tear out my hair and scream. Everything felt like it was one step forward and ninety seven back. This shit had to stop.
"Edward, what's wrong?"
Damn she was quick. I looked up at her and sighed.
"I need you to come to Starbucks with me."
August 11, 2010
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