When I woke up it was May twelfth. The date didn't really matter to me though. Nothing did. I'd pretty much lost everything anyways. I tried at first, I really did. I tried not equating every single miniscule thing I saw with Bella, but it was no use.
When I went to work, and holy mother of God was the place ever a mess, I passed that Starbucks every goddamned day. I looked inside once. 'The Chair' mocked me from its little perch there and made me want to evacuate my breakfast. I could almost see the two of us sitting there together laughing. I could see me sitting there and writing her letters. It hurt me so much that it made me angry.
Every once in awhile, from behind, I would see a girl with long brown hair, small hips and tiny little legs. I'd go to reach out, smell her hair, anything…and then they would turn around. The eyes were always wrong. It had occurred to me that even if 'Real Bella' did exist, that was the distinct possibility that she would be very different from 'Dream Bella'. I also knew that I would know her if I saw her.
The other day we were in the shop. Ben told Angela he loved her, and she replied with a simple 'I know' with a smile on her face. It was so reminiscent of what Bella and I used to do that I wondered if anything from my dream state wasn't something I had just conjured up from previous events.
I was two weeks out of the hospital at this point and completely lost…going through the motions, basically. I remembered every moment of it every second of the day. She was there in everything. Someone would come in to the book store specifically looking for 'Wuthering Heights' – Bella's favorite book, or someone would sign their credit card with the initials M.G. I couldn't get the fuck away from it all and I was drowning.
My family, they were there. Always so sympathetic and constantly saying sorry. I tried over and over again to make them stop. None of this was their fault. It wasn't their fault that I was hit by that Tanya bitch, who, by the way, stuck around long enough to talk to the cops and was gone. She apparently didn't even bother getting out of her car to check if I was alright when it had actually happened. It wasn't their fault that I had been on my way into Starbucks that day so subconsciously I went in there in my mind. It was definitely not their fault that I fell in love with a fucking mirage.
"You okay there, Edward?" Angela asked me and I let go of the fistful of hair I had unconsciously been trying to pull off my head while I was internally freaking out. Looking around I remembered that I was in the book store now. I had to work. I had to get through my shit and put on a happy fucking face.
"Yeah Ang, I'm good. Sorry I just sort of blanked there for a minute."
"It's okay Edward…" she said quietly. " You're allowed to be hurting, you know." She put her hand on my shoulder and I saw her shoot Ben a quick worried glance.
I let out a deep sigh and slumped my head down to my clasped hands.
"I need to remember to live in reality now, Ang. It's just hard…I can't…"
It took me a minute to realize I was sobbing and Ben was escorting me towards the back room. I didn't have anything left in me to even give a shit that I was fully bawling my eyes out in front of my best friend and his girlfriend. Dignity left with Bella too, it would seem.
"Let it go, man."
"I'm sorry, Ben. I'm so so-" I couldn't even get the fucking words out. I was suddenly riddled with anger and the tears stopped abruptly. I straightened up and I could feel it boiling inside me. I didn't know where my rage was even directed, but I found myself screaming and kicking at anything I could find. I punched the neat stacks of boxes that were lined up along the wall, destroying the hard work that Ben had put in over my absence. I thrashed and swore and threw things and then I was defeated.
I hung my head and then peeked out of the corner of my eye. There sitting on the table was something I was so angry at It made me lose my mind. Wuthering fucking Heights. I was banning that shit from this store. I threw it across the room narrowly missing Ben on its path to the wall.
"WHY THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN? WHY ME?"
Ben stood with Angela slightly behind him, protecting her from my blind rage. I felt bad because it wasn't directed their way at all, but I needed to get it out.
"DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME BELLA? DO YOU?" I yelled as I stared toward the ceiling. "I can't do this without you." I whispered as I dropped to my knees. Seconds later I felt Angela's arm draped around me rubbing my back and telling me that I had them. I had my family. I had Alice and Emmett and my 'parents'. I had the crazy old man that came into the store every second day just to talk because he had no one else. I wanted to give her shit because she forgot Rose and Jasper and then laughed bitterly at myself.
It occurred to me that I was acting as though someone had died. I guess anything was possible. Maybe a little bit of me died. I felt like I was losing myself. I had to get a grip.
"Edward…Edward"
"Huh?"
"You spaced out again there buddy. Were taking you to the hospital okay?"
"Why"
"Because you're bleeding all over yourself. Angela its okay. He'll be okay."
I looked over at Angela to see tears falling from her eyes and then down to my fists that were covered in blood. I didn't even know where it was all coming from. I was fucking everybody up. They didn't need this shit. They didn't need me spilling my emo all over their goddamn perfect lives.
I nodded in acceptance for them to take me. Ben helped me up by the elbow as Ang went about closing up the store.
"I'm so sorry you guys had to see that…" I said quietly. "I'm sorry I couldn't keep my shit together for just one day and Ang…come here Ang." I hugged her to my side trying not to get any blood on her. I registered that she didn't feel right. She didn't fit there properly, but I dismissed the idea. "I'm sorry I scared you."
"Edward. You didn't scare me. I'm so worried about you. You have to stop feeling like you have to do this alone. If you don't, you won't ever get past it."
We walked to the car and sat in the back as Ben helped Angela into the passenger side before he started to his own side. I saw him pick up the phone and he used it at the front of the car keeping an eye on me as he did.
"Would Bella want you to try to be a man right now? Let your guard down so we can help you, okay?"
I know she was just trying to help, but all her comment did was make me angry.
"If Bella was real, she would be here right now, and I wouldn't need any fucking help."
2 weeks prior
"Well, it would seem to me that you are pretty well clear here, Edward. Any problems I should know about before we set you loose?"
I wanted to tell him that I just wanted out of this fucking hospital, but that would do none of us any good. Instead I went with the helpful route and told him the truth.
"Um, my head still aches a little, but everything else is alright. Well, I mean it's all working, or whatever. IS the head thing normal?"
I really really wanted him to say yes so I could just leave. It would be nice if one thing went my way since this entire nightmare began. I wasn't sure what was worse. The fact that I viewed reality as a nightmare and my dream world as real life.
"Hmmmmm…" he said, his voice dripping with discouragement as he poked and prodded at my head a little longer.
Say yes mother fucker or I swear to all that is holy I will bust a cap in your ass.
Then I wondered when I turned into a Crip. Who knew I was all about busting caps in asses? I didn't that's for sure.
"Well everything seems to be in working order. The headaches are normal and should subside. Anymore confusion?"
Yes but please kindly go fuck yourself. You would be confused too if what you previously thought to be real life was all a goddamned dream. The sweetest most beautiful and realistic dream you've ever had at that.
"A little, but nothing I can't handle. Listen; to be honest, I am just really tired of being here. I've been in this hospital for like six weeks now, including the duration I didn't know I was here for and frankly I'm over it. I'd like to get on with my life. I haven't slurred a sentence or blacked out in almost a week. That's good right?"
At first things were hard. I found I could only stay conscious for short periods of time before I was out again. This made no sense at all to me seeing as how I had been sleeping for three weeks straight previously. I blacked out, I would fail a field sobriety test in a heartbeat, and I found it hard to remember words. Things as simple as the word 'door' completely slipped my mind. It frustrated me to no end. I'd even needed help eating. I was at a complete loss.
"I'll agree with you there, everything checks out on your chart with what you just said." He told me with a chuckle. "You're recovering quite well. Make sure you take it easy for the first couple of weeks and come back and see me if you have any trouble at all…with anything."
I nodded to the doctor and breathed a sigh of relief. Thank fuck.
"Colorful language for such a nice boy." He said and I paled.
I hadn't even realized I had said that out loud.
"Don't worry. I assure you its normal, you'll be just fine. Come back for a check up in three days and we will go from there."
"Thanks. Sorry if I've been a task to deal with."
To be honest I hadn't made their lives easy at all during my stay. I was bitchy and whiny. I didn't really want contact with anyone, and there was just constantly someone there. The family I could deal with but it was the doctors and nurses and specialists and all that. It was just too much.
Especially when all I wanted was her.
Bella would help me make everything better.
She was better than any reality I could be forced to be stuck in.
One week prior
Knock Knock Knock
I bit the bullet and knocked on the door of the apartment I knew to be hers.
I heard footsteps and my insides churned. They didn't sound right. Maybe Bella was bigger in this world. Maybe she never really had any eating disorders to begin with. Maybe she was different.
There was a pause at the door.
Slowly, painstakingly slowly, locks began to unlock and I held my breath. All that was left now was the chain. The fucking chain. Just unlock it already my mind begged whoever was on the other side of that door.
"Hello?"
I slumped in my spot on the stoop when I heard a mans voice. Maybe Bella already had her other half in this world. Maybe she wouldn't even need me. Did this man call her pretty girl?
"I-is Bella here?"
The door closed while he unhooked the chain and reopened again to reveal a tall, dark man even taller than my six foot two frame.
"I don't know of any Bella. Maybe you have the wrong house."
"No Isabella?"
"Nope, sorry. Name doesn't ring any bells kid."
I was simultaneously lost even deeper into depression because I was no closer to finding her and overjoyed at the fact that my pretty girl wasn't with this man. And the fact that he chose to associate bells with remembering her made me question if he was telling the truth. I didn't really trust anything anymore. Not even myself.
"Hey," he said, stepping out onto his stoop with me. "You're that kid from the accident aren't you?"
I rolled my eyes and nodded. I'd been hearing a lot of that this week. Apparently the accident was big news.
"I thought so. I read about it in the paper. How's everything going with that?"
"Oh really bad, actually…" I told him with a big sarcastic smile on my face.
He chuckled and I was glad I didn't offend him. I hadn't really meant to.
"Sorry. That was rude. I'm just having a difficult time…deciphering…"
"I get it. I mean well I obviously don't. But I understand. I'm sorry I couldn't help you out with who you were looking for."
We nodded to each other and said our customary goodbyes…and I walked away from yet another dead end.
I'd done my research, well as much as I could. Charlie had died, along with his wife in a car accident. I visited the old family home but it was pointless, no one was there. I even went next door before coming here. No Jasper and Rosalie to be found. I went to all the places we had been, aside from stepping into the Starbucks. It petrified me. There was no Bella. Anywhere.
I was beginning to believe I was in fact a nut job. How can anything so beautiful not be real? Welcome to my goddamned life.
Back to present day.
"Well, you did quite a job on your hand there, kid. The wrapping should do it fine. Promise me no boxing with inanimate objects anywhere in the near future, alright?"
"Alright and thanks again." I gathered my things and was on my way out the door when I was stopped.
"Edward…"
"Yes?"
"Have you thought about seeing the psychiatrist? I think you need some help."
I knew this to be true but I was so tired of everyone telling me the same thing over and over. This isn't healthy, Edward. You need help, Edward. Live in reality, Edward.
"I'm not crazy…I'm just a little fucked up right now."
August 11, 2010
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